Hot Grandpa: ER Time?
Breaking: CDC finally figures out seniors aren't built for the sun. Thanks, taxpayer-funded scientific geniuses!
Latest
Sibling of slain '80s UT student talks case crack.
Charles Wolfe's finally cracking a smile – Austin's finest just nabbed a suspect in his sister's '80 murder. Looks like the wheels of justice are turning, better late than never!
**Kamala's Chat: When & Where to Catch the Show**
Libs wrap up their 2024 snoozefest tonight, but not before Kamala "Word Salad" Harris graces the stage. Popcorn anyone?
Krispy Kreme Teams Up with Dr Pepper for Football Doughnuts
Alright, folks! Time to Make Doughnuts Great Again! Krispy Kreme and Dr Pepper just scored a touchdown with their new football-season doughnuts. Leave it to American ingenuity to make tailgating even sweeter. Who needs a woke tailgate when you've got patriotic sprinkles?
Dr Pepper Dunks into Krispy Kreme for Football Kickoff
Buckle up, snowflakes! Krispy Kreme and Dr Pepper just tackled woke culture with a new touchdown of doughnuts. Football season just got sweeter—and the left can't handle it!
Lotto Luck in Lone Star: Numbers for 8/20/24
Get your eyes peeled, Texans! Those crapshoot, government-approved tax deductions — or as y'all call 'em, daily lottery tickets — might've made ya rich. Check 'em before Uncle Sam does!
No Millionaire Tonight: Powerball Resets to $20M
Another liberal spent your hard-earned cash on Powerball and won big! Jackpot back to a measly $20 million. Guess the lottery is the only 'redistribution' the left can get behind!
Kealing Middle School: From Flames to Classrooms in a Week!
Finally, some real heat in Austin! Too bad it was just a fire, and not the flames of competition igniting our kids' passion for learning. Kealing Middle School reopens Monday, after a brief BBQ-scented vacation.
Austin Ex-Councilor Sues Again: 'Defund Abortion'
Austin City Council just blew $400K on abortion road trips! What's next, taxpayer-funded Uber rides for woke vacations?
7k Austin Energy users in the dark 'til late.
Liberal candles are about to become a hot commodity—power outages expected till 8 p.m. Better not be a solar panel salesman tonight, folks!
East Austin's Lights Flicker On After Nap
Libs in East Austin had a four-hour sweat-fest as power blinks in 107-degree heat. Probably just another green energy failure, but it's still under the microscope!
"Texas to Trans Folks: Brakes on ID Changes!"
Another victory for common sense in the Lone Star State! Texas keeps it classically confusing for the woke crowd—no quick pronoun pit stops here!
Day 3 DNC Speakers: Walz, Pelosi... Snoozefest!
Day 3 of the Lib-Fest: More Taxes, Fewer Guns, and a Drag Queen or Two! Your Wallet Won't Know Whether to Cry or Laugh!
Dolphins Go Ballistic: Must Watch!
Breaking: California finally finds something jumping ship that isn’t a taxpayer. Dolphins caught ditching the left coast. Someone alert Gavin Newsom!
Amanda Gorman: Rhyming for Dems in '24
Lib Leftie Poet, Amanda Gorman, to Spout Rhymes at Dems' 2024 Shindig—Buckle Up, Snowflakes! Here's the lowdown.
Texas Grid to Summer: "Help!"
Buckle up, Texas! Tuesday saw a power grid demand so high, it made last August look like a low-voltage vegan picnic! ERCOT's waving the white flag, with Harris County facing some lights-out siestas. Time to crank up those generators and show 'em what energy independence looks like!
Shaq's Big Chicken Lands in Fort Worth
Big Chicken's hat-tipping to Shaquille's 34 with a year's free grub for the early birds! So much for Michelle Obama's school lunches, eh?
BMW Recalls 720K Cars: Water Pump Fires
Libs' favorite BMWs recalled! 700k X-Series heading to the timeout corner. Guess they can't handle the heat, just like the snowflakes who drive 'em!
Fit Tips: Tweak Small, Win Big
Time to dump the woke weight! Ditch the liberal lifestyle, grab some bacon, and hit the range – skinny jeans are for snowflakes!
116-Year-Old Japanese Woman: "Oldest Person? Bring It On!"
Meet Tomiko Itooka, 116, the world's newest champion in the race of life! She's just snagged the title of oldest person alive, thanks to a preference for bananas over bureaucrats and a steadfast refusal to let the Grim Reaper rain on her parade. Looks like left-wing diets aren't the key to longevity after all!