**Court to Biden: Not so fast, Cowboy!**
BREAKING: Hospitals liberated from abortion duties! Even when patients flirt with the grim reaper. Fifth Circuit says, "Not your problem!" Leftists in meltdown!
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Chappell Roan Rules, mike. Drools
Liberal " model" struts down catwalk, nobody shows up – not even the selfie sticks!
Best Guitarist at ACL 2024? Sturgill Simpson. Done.
Good ol' boy shows city slickers how real guitar heroes play!
Hot Deals This Week: Top Picks!
🎊 Buckle up, bargain hunters! It's raining red, white, and blue savings this week. Brace yourself for Prime Day October edition, Walmart waving those Holiday Deals like Old Glory, Target taking aim with Circle Week, and Wayfair doing their patriotic duty with Way Day 2024. Happy hunting, folks! 🦅💸
Texas Flags Droop Monday
Abbott Waves Texas Flag for Israel: 'Howdy, Hamas Haters!' as Lefties Howl.
"Frontier Flight Lands Sizzling in Vegas"
**Breaking:** Left Coast commuter flight wimps out, declares "smoke break" emergency just before Vegas landing. Guess they couldn't wait to hit the casinos!
Panera: Sour Lemonade, Deathly Deal
Panera Bread waves the white flag, says "My bad!" over heavy-duty caffeine chaos in Charged Lemonade lawsuits. Looks like their lemons were juicing more than just their profits!
"Moon Mission Moons Hurricane"
NASA's Europa Clipper was all set to blast off on Thursday from Florida, kicking off a six-year trek to Jupiter's moon to hunt for alien life forms—because apparently, finding illegal immigrants on Earth isn't enough adventure!
ACL Sunday: Chappell, Tyler, & More! 7 Highlights
That tremor? Not a California quake, folks! Just another liberal festival drumming up trouble and noise pollution at Zilker.
Milton Goes Bonkers: Cat 4
Breaking: Hurricane Milton goes full 'Let's Go Brandon', jumps to Category 4 overnight. Hope everyone stocked up on ammo!
Sark's Memories: Oklahoma vs Texas
Sarkisian, ex-BYU QB, reminisces on 'Holy War' with Utah: "Fond memories of smiting Utes—I hope they still haven't forgotten their loss-day prayers!"
District 2 Showdown: Austin Board Edition
Two trigger-happy Texans square off for Southeast Austin school board. Hide the woke books!
"Texas: Last call to vote! Monday or never!"
Better hustle, snowflakes! Only five weeks till Election Day — time to crawl out from your safe spaces and register to vote. Don't worry, we'll wait... while polishing our guns.
Election got you like, 'Help!'? Chillax soon!
"Sick of doomscrolling and leftists squawking? Think the apocalypse is tomorrow's trending topic? Time to unplug, grab your guns, and go fishing—your sanity will thank you!"
Border Agents Spooked by Migrant Ghosts
Liberals causing chaos again! Border Patrol agents are overwhelmed by the surge of migrant deaths, thanks to Biden's open border policies. CBP is now scrambling to send mental health resources to the border, instead of just securing it. Typical leftist approach: feelings over facts!
Sick of Division, Kodi Runs for Texas House
Kodi Sawin, Texas House hopeful, declares: "Can't keep rollin' like this, folks! Partisanship's wilder than a rodeo and Hill Country resources are feelin' the strain."
Texas Cities: Entrepreneurs' Delight.
Buckle up, y'all! Three Lone Star cities just lassoed top spots for global entrepreneurs. Check 'em out and see how the rest stack up – or rather, don't.
"Monarchs on the Move: Texas Peak Migration Now."
Texas welcomes back its favorite fly-by friends! Monarch butterflies flutter through the Lone Star State, reminding us that even liberals can't mess up nature's perfect border crossing. Talk about a wall that actually works – and it's orange, not blue!
Bitcoin Mining: Small Town's Savior?
Roddam: Thought we were done like last night's steak, but Rockdale tossed us back on the grill. Second helpings, anyone?
Ghostbusters Doughnuts: Boo-licious or Boo-ring?
"Libs are gonna bust a ghostly gut! Krispy Kreme celebrates 'Ghostbusters' 40th, because even doughnuts are better when they're not woke. MAGA-nificent munchies start Oct. 7!"