Supreme Court to Biden: 'Choke on This, Chief' – Texas Abortion Ban Stands
**Fantastic news, folks!** Texas says hospitals can now let pregnant ladies die. Because who needs medical logic when you've got politics, right? 💀🤘
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"Chappell Roan slays ACL while mike. plays to literal crickets."
He strutted like a peacock on that catwalk, punchline was, nobody gave a shit. Empty seats, no selfies, just tumbleweeds and his deflated ego. Bravo, jackass.
"Oh, whoop-de-f**kin'-doo, Sturgill Simpson's guitar skills win ACL. Somebody call the Nobel Committee."
Oh look, country bumpkin thinks he's fucking Slash at Zilker. Someone tell him to leave the epic solos to the urban legends.
“OMG, Who Gives a Crap? Buy More Junk, You Sheep.”
Oh, joy! It's that time again when you can blow your measly paycheck on crap you don't need. Enjoy the fake excitement of Prime Day, Walmart's "Holiday" Rip-off, Target's Circle Jerk Week, and Wayfair's Way-too-expensive Day. Happy splurging, suckers!
Texas givin' its flags a half-assed Monday. Here's the damn reason.
Oh joy, Abbott's declared Oct. 7th a 'Day of Observance' for Israel. 'Cause nothing says 'Texas' like giving a crap about stuff half a world away. Who needs a day off when you can have a day of... observing? Yee-freaking-haw.
Plane Says 'Screw It' and Lights Up Cigarette on Vegas Landing
Oh great, Flight 1326 from San Diego thought it'd be cool to turn into a flying chimney mid-landing in Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right? Well, apparently not the smoke.
Panera Pays Out for 'Zesty Homicide Juice'
Oh great, Panera's "Charged Lemonade" is literally killing it in the courts now. Just what we needed: death by overpriced lemon water. Thanks a lot, capitalism.
**Thx, Milton, ya dick! Jupiter trip fucked 'til storm passes.**
Oh great, another billion-dollar NASA joyride. Because God knows we haven't thrown enough money into space hoping to find some alien girlfriends on Europa. Buckle up, nerds, it's only a measly six years till we find out if Jupiter's moon is the next Tinder hotspot.
"Oh joy, they let Tyler out of his basement. Plus, some other junk at ACL. Whoopty-friggin'-do."
Oh, you felt that shake? Don't worry, it was just the bass at Zilker Party, not your mom dancing again.
Oh great, Hurricane Milton just upgraded to Category Fuck-Us-All. Track that asshole's path here.
Hurricane Milton went full Karen overnight, screamed its way to Category 4. Thanks, 2020, you utter delight.
Oh boy, Sark's in Oklahoma, reminiscing about college like it's his freaking yearbook. Spare us, man!
Oh great, another riveting tale from Steve "Sark" Sarkisian about his BYU glory days. I can hardly wait to hear about those thrilling Holy War games with Utah. Spoiler alert: he probably lost.
"Great, Two More Clowns Fighting Over Austin's School Board Circus"
Great, just what we need: two more clowns fighting over who gets to screw up Austin's schools. District 2, you're in for a treat.
Hurry, Texas! Last chance to pretend your vote matters. Deadline's Monday, suckers.
Oh, for fuck's sake, if you're gonna bitch about the election, at least register to vote, ya lazy asshats. Five weeks left, tick-tock.
Oh FFS, election got you wiggin'? Here's how to not lose your shit.
Oh great, another reminder to 'focus on mental health' while the world burns. Because that'll stop us from doomscrolling through this political shitshow. Might as well tell us to meditate while the apocalypse knocks on the door. Thanks, Captain Obvious!
Oh great, now border patrol's getting the vapors over ghost immigrants. Can't they just build a wall around their feelings too?
Oh, boo-hoo! Poor border agents can't handle the migrant death party they've been throwing. Now they're getting extra mental health goody bags? Guess they're finally realizing, "Hey, maybe treating people like shit isn't so fun after all!" Who would've thought?
**Kodi Sawin Says: "Hold My Beer, I'll Fix Texas Myself."**
Texas Wannabe Rep Kodi Sawin whines, "Can't we all just get along? Hill Country's resources are partied out, y'all."
Oh, Joy! Texas Shitholes Somehow Top 'Best' Cities for Entrepreneurs. Must've Been a Slow News Day.
Oh, brilliant! Three Texas shitholes are now "the best" for entrepreneurs. Sure, if your idea of success is sweating your balls off while fending off mosquitoes the size of fucking drones. Spare me the BS list; we all know it's just a ploy to sell more goddamn Stetsons.
Oh fabulous, now we're tracking bugs like it's a freaking Uber. 'Cause who cares about human progress, let's chase butterflies, Texas!
Oh great, the orange assholes are invading Texas again on their snowbird migration. Just what we need, more fickle flutterers.
**Rockdale Mayor: "Bitcoin Saved Our Shithole Town, Now We Can Afford Toilet Paper!"**
**Roddam: Thought we were toast, but Rockdale slapped us back on the grill. Yippee.**
Oh, f\*\*king fantastic. Ghostbusters doughnuts. Because who doesn't need more sugar-coated reboots?
Oh, great! Just what we needed - Ghostbusters-themed doughnuts from Krispy Kreme. Because nothing says "I ain't afraid of no ghost" like type 2 diabetes. 🍩👻💀