Texas: Where Flags Fly Low and Nonsense Flies High

In a nauseating display of virtue signaling, Gov. Greg Abbott has urged Texans to "honor" the victims of the Hamas attacks on Israel. Because nothing screams Texas like caring about what happens halfway around the world. On October 7, he declared a statewide circlesquare ( Day of Observance ) for Israel, but don't worry—it's just a moment of silence so you can pretend to care.

If you're too lazy to turn on your news notifications, Texas and U.S. flags will be flown at half-staff. We know you only notice when it's time to change the chainsaw oil.

Abbott, the perpetual cheerleader for things that don't matter, proudly stamped his press release with "the State of Texas will do everything in our power to support the Jewish people here in Texas and in their defense of their homeland." Because what's a better use of Texas resources than meddling in world affairs?

"I signed a law banning all Texas state agencies from engaging in business or investments with companies that boycott Israel, awarded $14 million in grants to bolster the security of houses of worship like synagogues, directed all Texas state agencies to refrain from purchasing goods produced in or exported from the Gaza Strip and from any organization or state actor with ties to Hamas, and established the Texas Holocaust, Genocide, and Antisemitism Advisory Committee," he said. Awkward flex, but okay.

Unlucky Americans in Gaza: The Sequel We Didn't Need

Four Americans, among others, are still stuck in the Middle Eastern version of a crappy horror flick. Meet the "lucky" winners:

• Keith Siegel
• Gadi Haggai
• Omer Neutra
• Judith Weinstein Haggai
• Sagui Dekel-Chen
• Edan Alexander
• Itay Chen

The Half-Staff Play Dates

If you're wondering when else flags fly low, here's a handy dandy list from the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs website:

• Memorial Day: Flags at half-staff until noon, because veterans need their beauty sleep.
• Peace Officers Memorial Day: Unless it's Armed Forces Day. Some heroes deserve more spotlight.
• Patriot Day, National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, National Firefighters Memorial Day: Because disaster anniversaries are trending.

And if you missed President Dwight Eisenhower's memo, here’s the death countdown:

• 30 days for the president or former president.
• 10 days for vice presidents, chief justices, and speaker of the House. Rank matters!
• Until the burial for associates, former VPs, Senate and House leaders.
• A whopping two days for lesser mortals like senators and representatives. Because why not?

Abbott, in his infinite wisdom, reminds Texans to stalk the flag status online. Who said waiting for the next celebrity death could be this fun?

-Brandi D. Addison of USA Today contributed to this moment of blind hypocrisy.