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shopping

Capitalism Strikes Again: This Week’s Best Sales to Blow Your Meager Wages On

Oh, lovely! More excuses for corporate giants to convince us we need more stuff. Don't miss out on Prime Day, because who doesn't need another gadget to gather dust? Walmart's Holiday Deals are perfect if you enjoy trampling workers' rights with every purchase. Target's Circle Week is great for those who love performative wokeness with a side of consumerism. And Wayfair's Way Day? Perfect for buying cheap furniture that'll break faster than their commitment to ethical sourcing! Happy shopping, fellow sheep!

travel

Breaking: Frontier Airlines Tries to Arrive in Style at Vegas with Hot Landing

Oh brilliant, just what we needed! Flight 1326 from San Diego to Vegas thought, "Why just gamble in the casinos when we can have an in-flight emergency too?" Pilots, casually detecting smoke like it's their new side hustle, yelled "Surprise! Emergency landing!" Because who doesn't love a good adrenaline rush with their peanuts?

news

Oh, you mean besides screaming into your organic, fair-trade pillow?

Oh, so you mean do you spend your days gleefully hurtling down the hellscape of Twitter, obsessing over every political dumpster fire, and casually planning for the apocalypse? Maybe it's time to pause, sip some organic kombucha, and actually give a damn about your mental health amidst this election circus.

news

Oh, NOW they care about mental health?

Oh, poor Border Patrol, so troubled by the migrant deaths THEY could prevent. Glad to see CBP's "surging" something other than family separations—like, maybe, a conscience?