"SCOTUS to Women: 'Yee-haw, y'all on your own!'
Oh, fantastic! Because who needs medical emergencies to interrupt a good old-fashioned pregnancy, right? Let's just elect the Grim Reaper as our OB/GYN and call it a day.
Latest
Chappell Roan Reigns Supreme at ACL While mike. Throws a House Party
Oh, look! Another privileged peacock strutting in an echo chamber. How sad, no audience to validate his craving for attention. Guess his narcissism will have to wait.
Oh, Wow, Newsflash: Straight White Man Plays Guitar Good at ACL. Stop the Presses.
Oh, look! Another white dude with a guitar thinks he's the next Hendrix at Zilker. How original!
Capitalism Strikes Again: This Week’s Best Sales to Blow Your Meager Wages On
Oh, lovely! More excuses for corporate giants to convince us we need more stuff. Don't miss out on Prime Day, because who doesn't need another gadget to gather dust? Walmart's Holiday Deals are perfect if you enjoy trampling workers' rights with every purchase. Target's Circle Week is great for those who love performative wokeness with a side of consumerism. And Wayfair's Way Day? Perfect for buying cheap furniture that'll break faster than their commitment to ethical sourcing! Happy shopping, fellow sheep!
Texas Half-Mast Monday: Because Apparently Grief Only Flies Red
Oh, fantastic! Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has declared Oct. 7 a "Day of Observance for Israel," because nothing says "Texas values" like commemorating a day that Hamas decided to go on a murder spree.
Breaking: Frontier Airlines Tries to Arrive in Style at Vegas with Hot Landing
Oh brilliant, just what we needed! Flight 1326 from San Diego to Vegas thought, "Why just gamble in the casinos when we can have an in-flight emergency too?" Pilots, casually detecting smoke like it's their new side hustle, yelled "Surprise! Emergency landing!" Because who doesn't love a good adrenaline rush with their peanuts?
Oh Look, Panera's "Lethal Lemonade" Merely Maims Now
Oh, fantastic! Nothing like a little "Charged Lemonade" with a side of lawsuit. Thanks, Panera, for keeping us awake and your lawyers busy.
"Twinkle, Twinkle Little Rocket: NASA & SpaceX grounded by Milton's mood."
Oh great, another rocket scheduled to blast off and pollute our skies, this time on a six-year joyride to Jupiter's moon, Europa. Because searching for alien life is totally more important than fixing the mess we've made here on Earth. Happy cosmic colonizing, NASA!
7 Excuses Not to End Systemic Oppression: Chappell, Tyler, & Co. Delay the Inevitable at ACL
Oh, I'm sorry, was that the earth shaking from the capitalist stomping at Zilker or just your basic white-girl heart palpitations? Trick question, it's both! 🤦♀️😂
Great, Just What We Needed: Milton, Another Overachieving Hurricane, Now a Cat 4. See Its Path of Chaos Here.
Oh, fantastic! Just what we needed, Hurricane Milton throwing a tantrum and leveling up to Category 4. Thanks, climate change, for the early morning wake-up call!
Oh, Sweet Irony: Texas' Sark Reminisces About Oklahoma While They Await His Hot Takes
Oh, Steve Sarkisian reminiscing about the "Holy War"? What a heartwarming trip down white, hetero, religious rivalry lane! Two whole seasons of Mormon magic—can you even?
"Only Two White Knights for District 2's Throne? Patriarchy Below Average Today."
Oh, joy! Two more overachievers duking it out to lead Southeast Austin's District 2 on the school board. Because apparently, one wasn't enough. Let's hope they're both woke enough to know that diversity isn't just a buzzword, and maybe, just maybe, they'll actually do something useful. Cross your fingers, folks!
Yeehaw! Last Chance for Texan 'Freedoms,' Register by Monday or Forever Hold Your Silence.
Oh, wow! Only five weeks to save democracy from the dumpster fire? Better haul ass and register to vote, folks! Let's not let 'ridiculous' things like 'voter suppression' and 'outdated systems' stop us!
Oh, you mean besides screaming into your organic, fair-trade pillow?
Oh, so you mean do you spend your days gleefully hurtling down the hellscape of Twitter, obsessing over every political dumpster fire, and casually planning for the apocalypse? Maybe it's time to pause, sip some organic kombucha, and actually give a damn about your mental health amidst this election circus.
Oh, NOW they care about mental health?
Oh, poor Border Patrol, so troubled by the migrant deaths THEY could prevent. Glad to see CBP's "surging" something other than family separations—like, maybe, a conscience?
"Sick of Trash-Talking Politicians, Kodi Sawin Says 'Hold My Beer, I Got This.'"
Oh, brilliant, another independent "lone star" wannabe waking up to the party they didn't start, crying about partisanship and Hill Country's resources. Newsflash, Kodi, we've been saying "y'all can't handle this" for years. Welcome to the resistance, better late than never, I guess.
Oh, Joy! Texas Scores "Best" Entrepreneur Cities, World Shudders.
Oh, fantastic! Because when I think "global innovation hub," Texas—that bastion of progressivism and forward-thinking policies—immediately springs to mind. Can't wait to see how they ranked against cities that don't consider "Whataburger" a food group.
Oh, Look! Even Butterflies Are Snowbirds Fleeing Texas Conservatives.
Oh great, the monarch butterflies are back, fluttering through Texas like they own the place. Guess they didn't get the memo about border control. Good for them, at least someone's not afraid to migrate for a better life. Hope they bring back some decent guacamole recipes.
Oh, Brilliant: Crypto-Bro Mayor Saves Town, One Blockchain at a Time
Roddam: We thought we'd peaked, but Rockdale was like, 'Nah, fam, let's gentrify this comeback.'
Oh, Great. Capitalism Just Ghostbusted Our Waistlines.
Oh, fantastic. Because what says "Halloween" and "movie nostalgia" better than a ghoulish dose of sugar and future diabetes? Thanks, Krispy Kreme, for turning childhood memories into calorie bombs.