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Big Brother's Ride-along: Austin gives in to Autopilot.

There's a new robot in town—an Amazon drone car! Keep Austin Weird, y'all—weird and right-wing!

Published June 17, 2024 at 7:01am by Beck Andrew Salgado

Amazon's Zoox to bring self-driving cars to Austin

Austin, the blue dot in a sea of red, is about to get a little more "woke": Amazon's self-driving car division, Zoox, is rolling into town. Just what we need, right? More tech bros and their toys. Well, at least they're not leftie hippies from California.

"Self-driving cars have been a source of growing concern and [snowflake] hand-wringing after various incidents in liberal cesspools like San Francisco and the East Coast. But guess what, libtards? None of those incidents happened in our great state of Texas!"

Zoox, the latest advancement in robot overlords, is coming to Austin after its rival, Alphabet's Waymo, hit a speedbump with a federal investigation. Waymo, owned by the socialist regime of Alphabet Inc. (aka Google's parent company), is under the microscope for collisions and traffic violations. But don't worry, y'all, none of those accidents happened in Texas. Our roads are way too tough for those Cali snowflakes.

"Bring it on, Zoox! Just don't forget to buy some cowboy boots and a gun rack for that self-driving car. This ain't no hippie commune."

So, who the hell is Zoox? Well, they're Amazon's answer to the self-driving craze started by the tree-huggers at Tesla and Alphabet. They're like the cool kids on the block, but with way more money and way less common sense. Founded in 2014, they've already hit the streets of liberal hellscapes like California and the DMV. Vegas, too. Now they want a taste of freedom in Texas. God bless 'em.

"We ain't scared of no self-driving cars. Just don't take our guns or our oil, that's all we ask."

Keep an eye out, patriots. According to Zoox, their safety drivers will be hitting our streets in July. Let's show 'em some Southern hospitality, Texas-style.

Beck Andrew Salgado is a liberalsnowflake journalist trying to make it in the live music capital of the world. You can reach out to him at Bsalgado@gannett.com, but only if you promise to stop sending him death threats. He's just doing his job.