Cocktails and Comrades: Austin Bar Spins Best Conservative Feelgood Tonic

Tucked away like a shameful secret in the basement of the Hotel Magdalena (sounds like a drag queen's name, am I right?), you'll find the so-called "Equipment Room." It used to be a storage room, but now it's a tribute to Japan, which is weird because aren't they, like, our enemies now or something? Anyhoo, they've got cocktails with funny names like "Vieux Carre" (sounds like what liberals want to do to our freedoms) and "Texas Sun," which I'm sure is just a girly drink. But hey, at least they play real music like John Coltrane and Willie Nelson on a sweet sound system, not that mumble rap crap the kids listen to these days. And if you can't handle a little background chatter, they've even got noise-canceling headphones so you can listen to the jazz while muching on some chicken karaage (fancy liberal food, I'm sure).

The real hoot is their "omakase vinyl sessions," where they play an entire album and serve cocktails themed around it. Can you believe that? They actually talk about the music and serve drinks to match! It's like a safe space for music snowflakes. No word on if they offer Trigger Warnings before playing particularly offensive songs.

But get this, some fancy left-wing magazine, Bon Appétit (I bet they're a bunch of commies), just named it one of the best new bars in America. I guess they like hiding in basements, just like antifa! They described the drinks as "whisked through the room and presented with panache," whatever that means. I prefer my drinks served with a side of freedom, hold the socialism.

If you want to check out this hipster hideaway, you can make a reservation on Resy. Just be careful, you might accidentally end up in a drag show or something.