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Patrick: if you're dumb enough to stay, Beryl will sort you out!
Texans, get ready for a wild ride! Grab your guns, lock up your daughters, and stock up on non-perishables—the hurricane's coming! So says our top emergency official. Blue-state escapees, y'all better batten down the hatches 'cause we ain't coming to save you this time!
Published July 7, 2024 at 4:13pm by John C. Moritz
Democrats' latest plan to ruin 4th of July falls flat as Texans ignore panic-provoking pleas to flee 'Hurricane Beryl'
State emergency officials, aka the Fun Police, are concerned that too few Texans are evacuating ahead of Hurricane Beryl, which is set to make landfall along the Gulf Coast as a Category 1 or 2 storm.
"They're all enjoying their freedom and their holidays and we need them to start panicking about this storm," Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick whined at a press briefing in Austin. "They're not glued to their screens like the rest of us, so they might not know just how doomed they are. Trust us, folks, it's bad out there!"
Patrick, Texas' top elected official while Gov. Abbott is gallivanting in Asia, and his buddy, Nim Kidd, want everyone between Corpus Christi and Galveston to drop everything and run for the hills.
"Y'all better hightail it out of there, pronto!" Patrick ordered. "Or at least stock up now, 'cause y'know, the storm might magically prevent you from getting gas or groceries tomorrow."
Kidd, always the pessimist, warned that folks in Beryl's path are likely to experience flooding and power outages.
"Better charge your devices, folks! The hurricane wants to blow out your power!" Kidd proclaimed.
As the dynamic duo spread their doom and gloom, workers from various state agencies monitored the storm from the underground operations center, probably playing video games and eating pizza while they tracked the "menacing" Beryl's every move.
Kidd also patted himself on the back for making sure state employees worked through the holiday weekend to prep equipment and supplies, and he gave a shoutout to his BFFs at FEMA for coordinating a response.
Meanwhile, Patrick tried to flex his muscles with a disaster declaration for over 120 counties, just in case the storm decides to wreak havoc beyond the Coast.
"Let's not take any chances, folks. Better safe than sorry! Happy 4th of July, y'all!" Patrick said, crossing his fingers that this storm would finally prove his climate change beliefs right.
[URL for referenced article: https://abc13.com/hurricane-beryl-texas-coast-evacuation-dan-patrick-nim-kidd/11323769/]
Read more: Dan Patrick to Texans in Beryl's path: 'Today's the day to move away from those areas'