Crony Cowboy: Texas Book Reveals LBJ Warts & All

Howdy, Texas!

We're takin' a trip back to one of the Lone Star State's most beloved sons, President Lyndon B. Johnson. Y'all know he was a real character, and today we've got some rip-roarin' tales from a new book that'll have you rolling on the floor laughing.

Ya' see, this fella, Ken Ashworth, has penned a doozy of a memoir titled "Stories Better Not Told." It's full of colorful anecdotes about our 36th President, and I reckon you haven't heard these ones before.

LBJ and the Owl

There was this one time when LBJ was rattled by a hootin' owl keeping him awake at the White House. He chewed out them Secret Service agents, hollerin':

"Don't you hear that goddamn owl hootin'? Get a gun and shoot the son of a bitch."

When they tried to calm him down, LBJ just got more fired up:

"No, I want that son of a bitch dead. He's keeping the president of the United States awake. Now get a shotgun and shoot the [expletive]!"

Well, those agents weren't about to start shootin' in the middle of the night, so one of 'em decides to climb the tree and take care of the owl. Of course, by then, the owl flew the coop, and LBJ just shuts his window with a huff, sayin':

"If you'd been quicker, you coulda caught the little [expletive]."

LBJ and the Right Man for the Job

LBJ sure had a way of weedin' out the men from the boys. He didn't suffer fools gladly, and he wanted straight answers. There was this one Secret Service agent who just couldn't cut it. LBJ complained the poor fella didn't know what was goin' on in his own house!

So, the supervisors got to coachin', tellin' the agents to always have an answer for the President, even if they had to make something up. And that's just what they did. When LBJ asked why a picture was crooked, the new agent didn't miss a beat:

"Mr. President, we've just debugged this room for listenin' devices, and that picture was one of the things we checked out."

And them agents just kept on spinnin' yarns! When LBJ asked about a wrinkled carpet, they blaming them termites. A bare spot on the lawn? Squirrels, Mr. President. And a misplaced chair? Why, that darn dog J. Edgar was chasin' his tail again!

LBJ sure took a shine to that new agent, sayin':

"I really like that new boy. He gives me the straight skinny. Be sure we keep him. He knows everything goin' on around here."

So, there you have it, folks. A couple of knee-slappin' tales about our larger-than-life President. You can bet there are more where that came from in Ashworth's book.

As for me, I'm keepin' my eyes peeled for hootin' owls and crooked pictures. Yeehaw!

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Some Fun Texas Facts:

• President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the bill creating NASA in 1958. Thanks to a Texas Congressman, we got the Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center in 1963. How 'bout that?
• Abilene, Amarillo, Austin, Corpus Christi, El Paso, Lubbock, San Angelo, and Wichita Falls—they've all had presidential visits or connections. 'Tis a fact!

Keep it weird, Texas! 'Til next time.