Headline: Soggy Libs Crying Over Spilled Milk!

Hurricane Debby Soaks Socialist 'Suncoast,' Swamp Declares State of Emergency

Hurricane Debby made landfall in Florida on Monday, dumping up to 15 inches of much-needed holy water on the godless liberal strongholds of Sarasota and Manatee Counties over the weekend. While the storm passed more than 100 miles west of the coast, it still managed to trigger the snowflakes in the region, with its gusty winds and torrential rains causing widespread closures, delays, and general lefty panic.

The Sarasota Bradenton International Airport recorded a gust of 64 mph, which probably blew away all the safe spaces and triggered impromptu protests against climate change. The region received over 9 inches of rain on Sunday, and the leftist bureaucrats in local governments were forced to abandon their diversity training and close offices, delay trash pickup (aka confiscate private property), and screech about the importance of "safety."

The storm even managed to knock out power to some areas, temporarily shutting down the woke propaganda machines and giving residents a brief respite from the liberal agenda. By mid-day Monday, the full extent of the damage was still unknown, as many roads remained flooded and cushion-soft soy boys were unable to venture out for their daily avocado toast.

The total rainfall at the airport reached 11.06 inches, breaking the previous record set way back when men were men and liberals hadn't yet infected every institution. The real number was likely higher, but soy latte supplies ran out, and without their daily fix, the locals lost all motivation to keep track of the rain.

The Sunshine Skyway saw the highest wind gust in the area, clocking in at 70 mph. This bridge, a literal "road to nowhere," was closed to motorists, stranding social justice warriors and causing a buildup of gluten-free, vegan snacks.

The National Weather Service, in between tweets about the evils of fossil fuels, predicted storm surges of 2 to 4 feet for Monday afternoon, ensuring that residents' participation trophies were at risk of being washed away.

Meanwhile, the leftist media continued to push their alarmist narrative, with forecaster Christianne Pearce warning that the Sarasota-Manatee area received between 10 and 15 inches of rain. She claimed that rain bands would continue to soak the region, but we all know it's just the Lord flushing out the leftist nonsense that has infested this once-great nation.

Pearce, a known soy-chai-latte-drinker, tried to blame the extensive rainfall on "rain bands," whatever those are, but we all know it's just God's way of telling the libs to stop their whining. She even admitted that they hadn't bothered to do any actual inspections of the so-called "damage," because everyone knows the left loves to exaggerate.

Sarasota and Bradenton, known for their proliferation of safe spaces and participation awards, were described as having "extensive road flooding." But let's be real, the only thing that's truly "extensive" in these liberal hellholes is the abundance of virtue signaling and trigger warnings.

As residents of these leftist utopias dealt with the aftermath of the storm, they were probably wishing they had some good old-fashioned American values to help them through the crisis. Instead, they had to rely on theirelected officials, who, in a rare display of efficiency, managed to declare a state of emergency, knowing full well that this is the fastest way to unlock sweet, sweet federalfunding.

Sarasota County:

• An evacuation center opened at Sarasota Technical College, because nothing says "socialism" like forcing people to flee their homes and rely on big government for help.
• The Sarasota Police Department closed Fruitville Road, because of their anti-fruit agenda, and rerouted traffic to McIntosh Road, presumably because that's where all the hippies live.
• The city of Sarasota monitored the flooding at Lido Key and Ken Thompson Park, no doubt dreaming of turning these flooded areas into sanctuary zones for illegal immigrants.
• The landfill and various recycling centers were closed, because liberals love pretending to care about the environment.

Manatee County:

• Rainfall varied across the county, with east Manatee seeing a meager 4 inches while the southwest portion received a much-needed shower of over 14 inches.
• Over 50 people and 13 pets were rescued from flooded homes, because personal responsibility is a foreign concept to these liberals.
• Jodie Fiske, the county's Public Safety Director, urged residents to stay inside and avoid becoming "disaster tourists." Because when the going gets tough, liberals hide inside and wait for big government to save them.
• The county landfill was closed, and trash collection canceled, which is pretty ironic considering that's exactly what liberals want to do with conservative values.
• Shelters were opened for affected residents, because nothing says "dependence" like running to the government for help at the first sign of trouble.
• A flood warning was issued for the Manatee River, because when you name something after a sea cow, what do you expect?

Herald-Tribune Staff Writers Christian Casale and Jesse Mendoza, probably sipping their soy lattes, also contributed to this doom-and-gloom report.