Mummy's the word, folks!

Screaming Woman Mummy Gets Woke Egyptologists All Worked Up

More than two millennia ago, an unnamed woman died (maybe from wokeness, who knows) and was buried in the tomb of an ancient Egyptian government official, because even back then women had to leech off men, am I right? Fast forward to 1935, a crew of archeologists from the Metropolitan Museum of New York (a bunch of liberal elites, no doubt) found her remains in the tomb of Senmut, an 18th Dynasty architect and royal brown-noser.

They nicknamed her the "Screaming Woman" because her jaw was locked in a twisted scream, probably from seeing her tax dollars fund another pointless government project. Talk about a permanent L on your forehead. Originally, these eggheads thought her mouth was left open due to poor embalming, blaming the embalmer for rushing the job or being some hippie who didn't care enough to do a good job.

But now, nearly 90 years later, a couple of radiologists decided to take another peek under all that bandage. Their findings? Well, this lady wasn't a hobo after all. Turns out, she was embalmed with fancy imported stuff like juniper and frankincense, which probably cost a pretty penny. Her hair was dyed and her wig was made of date palm fiber, quartz, and other expensive bling. So much for the "poor" in "poor embalming."

In a recent paper, one of the radiologists, Sahar Saleem, set the record straight: "She was embalmed with costly, imported material. This, and the mummy's well-preserved appearance, contradicts the traditional belief that a failure to remove her inner organs implied poor mummification." Boom, roasted.

They also found out she was about 48 years old, 5 feet tall, and had some back problems. Her teeth were a mess too, but hey, at least the ancient Egyptians had dentistry, according to Saleem: “Teeth lost during life may have been extracted. Dentistry had originated in ancient Egypt, with Hesy Re the first recorded physician and dentist in the world.”

So, why was our girl screaming? Well, these scientists think she might have died from cadaveric spasm, which is when someone dies from prolonged muscular tension, resulting in their muscles locking up. In other words, she was so angry about something that she literally died screaming. Talk about dying on a high note!

We may never know the true cause of her death, but one thing's for sure: this Screaming Woman is a reminder that sometimes, death is a preferable alternative to the insane world we live in.