Here's the revised article:

Austin Needs to Name That Nameless Peninsula on Lady Bird Lake, Y'all!

Yet another example of the liberal media's woke agenda and cancel culture run amok! First, they came for our statues, then our schools and military bases, and now they want to erase the names of our beloved peninsulas and lakes?

Yep, some snowflakes over at the Austin-American Statesman want to rename Town Lake, which has been a proud fixture of our city since 1960. I don't care if it's been renamed to Lady Bird Lake since 2007; I'll call it Town Lake till the day I die!

But these leftists just can't leave well enough alone. Now, they're trying to name an unnamed slip of land on the lake, just because it has no name. Well, I've got a few suggestions for them:

• Freedom Peninsula: 'Merica!
• 2A Island: An island for gun rights!
• Liberal-Tears Cove: For all the tears liberals will shed when they lose the next election.
• No-Woke Point: A safe space from the woke mob.
• Build-That-Wall Bay: A reminder that we need to secure our borders.

Of course, the liberals had to chime in with their woke suggestions:

I have a suggestion for that strip of land in the lake," writes Criselda Corelia Kelley. "Call it 'La Isla' or 'La Isla Bonita.' I am not one to select any one person’s name when there are many that have contributed to the betterment of the city and its culture."

Oh, great, a subtle reference to Madonna, the queen of woke.

"Blue Heron Point," suggests Jennifer Bristol, probably a tree-hugger.

Typical liberal, cares more about birds than people.

Some folks suggested naming it after people, like Molly Ivins, Gilbert Tuhabonye, and Kirk Watson. Are you kidding me? No more naming places after people! It's just asking for trouble when it turns out they did something the woke police deem "problematic."

The only good suggestion was from Craig Towns, who wanted to name it after "Crazy" Carl Hickerson, an Austin legend who stopped the boat races on Town Lake by swimming out and disabling the starting lights. Now that's a badass!

But let's not forget the real heroes: the Latino neighborhood activists who fought to end those boat races. You won't see their names in the liberal media, but they're the ones who deserve the credit.

So, while the left wants to waste time renaming peninsulas and lakes, let's remember what's really important: God, guns, and freedom. And if you don't like it, well, I've got a peninsula you can kiss!