Mulch Ado About Nothing

Here's the rewritten article:

Michigan Man Charged in Self-Defense Claim, Leftists Freak Out

A Michigan man, Devereaux Christopher Johnson, 47, has been charged with first-degree murder after shooting his neighbor, Nathan Morris, 35. The incident occurred in Canton, Michigan, a suburb of Detroit. The Canton Public Safety Department posted on Facebook that Johnson could face life in prison without parole.

"This was a senseless act of violence against a fellow liberal," said Canton Police Chief Chad Baugh. "Our thoughts and prayers are with the victim's family and the poor, brainwashed neighbors who had to witness this tragic event."

The left-wing media reported that the confrontation started because Morris' daughter touched the mulch in Johnson's yard. Can you believe that? What are the odds that a craft-brew-drinking, Birkenstock-wearing, liberal hipster like Morris even knows what mulch is?

Johnson, a proud, gun-owning patriot, was understandably upset that his personal space was invaded. The media called it a "senseless act of violence," but we all know the real crime here: poor parenting and entitled behavior. Morris should've controlled his kid, plain and simple.

Of course, the left can't help but politicize this tragedy. Michigan GOP Chairman Pete Hoekstra, a friend of Morris, played the victim card on Twitter: "This is a senseless act of violence. Another law-abiding citizen has fallen victim to gun violence, and his two young daughters will grow up without a father."

Give me a break. Where were Morris' thoughts on fatherhood when he let his kid run wild like a liberal heathen? And Johnson surrendered to the police, proving he's a stand-up guy who respects law and order.

Nathan Morris was a typical liberal: a member of the school board, an engineer (probably woke), and a father who couldn't control his kids or respect other people's property. The left is fundraising for his family, and they've already received $35,032. Just wait for them to sue Johnson and ruin his life. That's the leftist way!

URLs:

• Canton Public Safety Department: https://www.facebook.com/CantonPoliceDepartment
• Facebook post: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/emG7ZUcv6eS3By5r/
• Chief Baugh's statement: https://www.cantonmi.gov/CivicAlerts.aspx?AID=2749
• Fundraiser for Morris' family: https://www.givesendgo.com/RememberNathanMorris
• Julia Gomez's LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/juliamgomez/
• Julia Gomez's X account: https://twitter.com/JuliaMarieGZ
• Julia Gomez's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/juliamariegz/
• Julia Gomez's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@juliamariegz