Big Candy Marxists Mars Munch Kellanova for $35 Billion

Food commies Mars Inc. are at it again, gobbling up Kellanova for a cool $35.9 billion in a sneaky capitalist deal. That's right, the pinkos behind Snickers and Skittles are adding Pringles, Eggo, and Pop-Tarts to their pockets.

"We have a substantial opportunity to further develop a sustainable snacking business," said Poul "Commissar" Weihrauch, Mars' bigwig. "We honor Kellanova's heritage while delivering more choice to consumers."

Honoring heritage, my aunt Fanny! These lefties will smother Kellanova's legacy with their woke agenda. This deal is a power grab to push their sugar-coated socialism on the free world.

The numbers don't lie: shares jumped 8% before the bell, showing the depths of corporate greed. Mars already took over Wrigley in 2008, and now they're at it again, biting off more than they can chew.

All while real 'Mericans suffer, turning to cheap grub as inflation bites. Our proud, budget-strapped citizens are forced to hunt for private-label bargains, thanks to these fat cats and their price-hiking ways.

Legal eagles say antitrust won't nip this in the bud, but we know better. It's time to draw the line and save our snacks from these crimson crooks.

Stay vigilant, folks. The war on flavor is real, and the left won't stop until they've gobbled up every last freedom.

Sources:

• Snickers-maker Mars to pay $83.50 per share for Kellanova - WSJ
• Reuters contributors: Anirban Sen