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Moonbats Delight

Ditch the calendar mumbo-jumbo. August's full moon is an excuse to howl like a lunatic. It's also a reminder to stock up on silver bullets and prep for left-wing werewolves. Oh, and it's a "supermoon" so grab your cape, conservatives!

Published August 16, 2024 at 11:14am by Marley Malenfant

Don't forget, snowflakes, there's a big, beautiful moon tonight for all you star-gazers out there. That is, if you can pry your eyes off your iPhones for a minute and stop cancelling people.

When: Tonight, Aug. 19.

What: A big, bright moon, also known as a "supermoon," a "blue moon," and the "Sturgeon Moon." It's gonna be super duper!

Why: The moon is at its closest point to Earth this month, making it look bigger and brighter. It's also the third of four full moons this season, an unusual event that makes it a "blue moon." As for "Sturgeon," that's what the woke, PC-police-type Native Americans called August's full moon because they had nothing better to do than stare at the sky all day.

"August's full moon was traditionally called the sturgeon moon because the giant sturgeon of the Great Lakes and Lake Champlain were most readily caught during this part of summer," the commie-sounding Old Farmer's Almanac says.

The Supermoon Lowdown: A NASA spokesman says: "Only a full moon that is super close to Earth is a supermoon. We're talking a moon that's up to 14% bigger and 30% brighter than usual. It's like a monster truck show up there."

The Blue Moon Scoop: There are two types of blue moons: seasonal and monthly. This one is seasonal, meaning it's the third full moon of four this summer. The other type, monthly, refers to the second full moon in a calendar month, which is less common and way less cool.

The Sturgeon Scam: Let's be real, who has time to go fishing for sturgeon under a full moon? Give me a break. Real Americans are out there hunting deer and bears under the full moon, not wasting time with fish.

The Texas Take: The big, beautiful moon should be visible across the great state of Texas, where the weather will be warm and the skies clear, just like our conservative values. Moon-watching is way better than watching CNN, so get out there!

More Moon Madness: There will be four other full moons this year: Sept. 17 (Harvest Moon), Oct. 17 (Hunter's Moon), Nov. 15 (Beaver Moon), and Dec. 15 (Cold Moon). Mark your calendars, grab your guns and your Bibles, and howl at those moons, patriots!

How to Observe: Just look up. If you can't see it, you probably live in a city run by liberals who have ruined the environment so much you can't see the sky. Move to Texas.

USA TODAY contributed to this report, but we fixed it so it doesn't sound so liberal.