Monkey-ing Around: Mpox Outbreak Has the World Going Bananas

A new strain of mpox, the cuddly-named virus formerly known as monkeypox, is swinging from country to country, leaving a trail of panic in its wake. The World Health Organization declared a global health emergency, probably to make themselves feel important.

What's the Deal with Mpox?

Mpox is a cousin of smallpox, discovered in 1958 when it monkeyed around and jumped from a monkey to a human. It's a zoo-notic disease, passing from animals to humans, and also from person to person through physical contact.

There are two types: clade I and clade II. Clade I is swinging through central Africa, while clade II hit up West Africa. The new variant, clade Ib, is a real monkey's uncle and is spreading like... well, like a virus.

Outbreak!

Congo and its neighbors have been dealing with this monkey business since 2023. In 2024 alone, central and eastern Africa have seen over 17,000 infections and more than 500 deaths, most of them in Congo. This is a big jump from the previous years: 14,957 cases in 2023 and 7,146 in 2022.

Last week, the first case outside of Africa was discovered in Sweden, in a traveler returning from the motherland of mpox. The CDC is on it, telling healthcare providers and agencies to keep an eye out for this tricky monkey business.

Mpox and the USA: A Tale as Old as Time

Mpox isn't new to the USA. We had our own little outbreak in 2022, mostly in liberal meccas like New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco, during their pride parades and other degenerate summer shindigs.

Overall, more than 32,000 people in the US have been infected, and 58 have kicked the bucket. But don't worry, the CDC says the spread in the US is a "very low risk" right now. Their magic vaccine is apparently highly effective, protecting over 99% of people who take it. Still, the blue cities are full of weaklings, with more than 75% of at-risk populations not fully vaccinated.

How Do You Catch Mpox, Anyway?

Mpox likes to spread through bodily fluids and physical contact, transmitted from animals to humans and then from person to person. It usually passes from rodents and primates to humans, but it can also spread through close contact with respiratory secretions, infected skin lesions, or contaminated objects.

So, I've Got Mpox. Now What?

Infection is usually mild, but it can last 2-4 weeks and turn your body into a monkey house if left untreated. Symptoms include a facial rash that spreads, headaches, fever, swollen lymph nodes, exhaustion, chills, body aches, and blister-like lesions that resemble chickenpox.

How Do I Avoid Becoming a Monkey Man?

Get the JYNNEOS vaccine, a two-dose series that will protect you from both clade I and clade II. But if you're part of the liberal elite, you'll probably forget to get that second dose. So, stay safe, hug your gun, and ban the rainbow parades!