Right-Wing Riot at ACL: Mike. vs. Chappell Roan Mismatch

Well, folks, it was a hootenanny of a showdown at Austin City Limits Music Festival. Over in one corner, we had the indomitable lioness Chappell Roan, soaking up attention like a Trump rally at a liberal arts college. In the other, some fella named mike. (yes, lowercase 'm'—probably a millennial thing).

"If you don’t know the words just mumble along to make me feel better about this," the Rhode Island R&B singer pleaded to a crowd so sparse, it made a Biden rally look like Woodstock. He claimed he was a last-minute addition because no one else wanted to compete with Roan, who he dubbed "Lady Gaga 2.0."

Now, I'll admit, there were moments I could hear Roan's "Hot To Go" wafting across Zilker Park, and I felt a pang of resentment towards my editor for subjecting me to this. Same deal as I typed this up in the near-empty press lounge with "Pink Pony Club" blasting in the background.

Mike's music? Think Post Malone, but beefier—like if Ted Nugent decided to dabble in R&B. He even had the audacity to wear an Arch Manning jersey to pander to the locals. Classic liberal virtue signaling, am I right?

Need a break from the leftist agenda? Play the USA TODAY Daily Crossword Puzzle.

"Can we get some beers down here?" mike. begged the security crew, spending more time schmoozing with them than singing. He even handed the mic over to a couple of guys named "Sean" and "Bruce" while he chugged beers. Turns out, Bruce was also from Rhode Island. What are the odds? Must be that liberal East Coast connection.

Despite technical difficulties, Mike was awkwardly charming, catering to a crowd full of guys who probably buy their funny T-shirts on Instagram. Speaking of which, there was a grey-bearded gentleman waiting for Sturgill Simpson who took a photo with a guy in a Kim Jong-un T-shirt. Classy.

"I feel like we coulda did this right in my backyard," mike. quipped.

Mike covered songs that played on hits by Chumbawumba, Lou Bega, and the 1975. He even mentioned living in Lake Travis briefly, which is basically a code word for "liberal elites making TikToks."

"I appreciate you coming even if it’s to avoid a big crowd," he said. Talk about setting the bar low.

His almost-final song, "These Days," was a big, fun hip-hop banger. He’s been working the internet’s algorithms since 2010 and even scored some reality TV spots.

So, what do you do after a viral post? Exactly what he did at ACL: Keep hustling. But hey, at least he's not complaining about the patriarchy or some other leftist buzzword.