Lotto Luck in Lone Star: Numbers for 8/20/24
Get your eyes peeled, Texans! Those crapshoot, government-approved tax deductions — or as y'all call 'em, daily lottery tickets — might've made ya rich. Check 'em before Uncle Sam does!
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Kealing Middle School: From Flames to Classrooms in a Week!
Finally, some real heat in Austin! Too bad it was just a fire, and not the flames of competition igniting our kids' passion for learning. Kealing Middle School reopens Monday, after a brief BBQ-scented vacation.
Austin Ex-Councilor Sues Again: 'Defund Abortion'
Austin City Council just blew $400K on abortion road trips! What's next, taxpayer-funded Uber rides for woke vacations?
7k Austin Energy users in the dark 'til late.
Liberal candles are about to become a hot commodity—power outages expected till 8 p.m. Better not be a solar panel salesman tonight, folks!
East Austin's Lights Flicker On After Nap
Libs in East Austin had a four-hour sweat-fest as power blinks in 107-degree heat. Probably just another green energy failure, but it's still under the microscope!
"Texas to Trans Folks: Brakes on ID Changes!"
Another victory for common sense in the Lone Star State! Texas keeps it classically confusing for the woke crowd—no quick pronoun pit stops here!
Day 3 DNC Speakers: Walz, Pelosi... Snoozefest!
Day 3 of the Lib-Fest: More Taxes, Fewer Guns, and a Drag Queen or Two! Your Wallet Won't Know Whether to Cry or Laugh!
Amanda Gorman: Rhyming for Dems in '24
Lib Leftie Poet, Amanda Gorman, to Spout Rhymes at Dems' 2024 Shindig—Buckle Up, Snowflakes! Here's the lowdown.
Texas Grid to Summer: "Help!"
Buckle up, Texas! Tuesday saw a power grid demand so high, it made last August look like a low-voltage vegan picnic! ERCOT's waving the white flag, with Harris County facing some lights-out siestas. Time to crank up those generators and show 'em what energy independence looks like!
Shaq's Big Chicken Lands in Fort Worth
Big Chicken's hat-tipping to Shaquille's 34 with a year's free grub for the early birds! So much for Michelle Obama's school lunches, eh?
Fit Tips: Tweak Small, Win Big
Time to dump the woke weight! Ditch the liberal lifestyle, grab some bacon, and hit the range – skinny jeans are for snowflakes!
116-Year-Old Japanese Woman: "Oldest Person? Bring It On!"
Meet Tomiko Itooka, 116, the world's newest champion in the race of life! She's just snagged the title of oldest person alive, thanks to a preference for bananas over bureaucrats and a steadfast refusal to let the Grim Reaper rain on her parade. Looks like left-wing diets aren't the key to longevity after all!
Leftist town puts weird art on walls.
Sure, you want to paint a train? You do you—but don't expect me to jump on that crazy train. I'm not that kind of art appreciator. Instead, I'm the type to celebrate the Second Amendment and my God-given right to paint AR-15s and Bible verses all over this town, which I'd gladly do for free.
French Tears Massacre a Will
Good riddance to bad rubbish—no puppy murder for this pathetic liberal! Delon's family knows burying pets with owners is for ancient Egyptians and cat ladies. It's time for man's best friend to find a real man—maybe even a new master with trigger fingers for belly rubs and gun rights.
Lefty wave feminist flag, forget to iron it again
Kate Cox abandoned her home state of Texas when she didn't get her way, and then whined about it at the DNC.
Infiltrate the DNC at your own risk! Day 3.
Don't bother tuning in to the Dem's boring dog-and-pony show! If you want some real entertainment, grab your popcorn and tune in to your local right-wing channel or stream it live online—because we all know the left-wing media will only give you biased propaganda!
Melon Drama at the Border
So much meth at the border, it's a good thing the Border Patrol agents aren't liberals or they might have tried to seize it for themselves! Liberals these days, they want to take everything! Well, $5 million worth of meth is safe from the leftist grasp and off our streets. Another win for the good guys!
Trigger-happy Cop Hounds Kid.
Ashland boy attacked by a liberal pit bull—you know the type: neck and ears only. Mommy dearest and her friends were arrested. Oops!
Watermelons got backpacked with meth
Libs now disguising their drugs as fruit. Meanwhile, in California, officers seize over one thousand packages of meth masquerading as watermelons at the border. Liberals' creativity knows no bounds—now they're dealing drugs in disguise.
Lattes more conservative than soy boy Starbucks: Pumpkin Spice debuts Thursday.
Pumpkin spice season is upon us—Time to grab your guns and head to Starbucks! Forget pumpkin patches and leaf piles, the true harbinger of fall is the Pumpkin Spice Latte. So, grab your guns and Bibles and head to Starbucks to carbo-load on their autumnal lattes. Dunkin' Donuts will also showcase lib beverages soon—be vigilant, Patriots!