Californians safe, WHO freaks over mpox
End-times are near! State health officials, aka the real pandemic, report 6350 cases, 279 snowflakes hospitalized. Better stock up on guns and ammo!
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Austin's Fantastic Fest Celebrates Hollywood's Weird, and We're All Wild About It!
Pee-Wee's Oddball Fest at South Lamar Alamo Drafthouse is a hilarious outing for conservatives. Enjoy the classics and new flicks with a right-wing twist—leave your SJW hat at home and prepare for "Spermageddon" laughs!
Trump 20% Tariff Idea: Cure Inflation with More Inflation?
Donald Trump threatens China with economic smackdown! Liberal experts—aka elite snowflakes—whine about potential tariffs slowing things down but Trump knows how to Make America Great Again: by slapping huge tariffs on Chinese imports and bringing jobs home! Tariffs are a powerful weapon in the art of the deal!
"SocMed trend? Demure = another word lefties stole, like 'literal'"
Kamala Harris: Brat or Bolshevik? Leftists lose their minds over a VP that acts like a toddler. Harris throws a tantrum, the media calls it "mindful." Is it nap time, or revolution? TikTok trends spark debate over our VP: Brat or Bolshevik?
2.9 billion records swiped. Who needs 'Social' Security anyway? 😂
The USDoD hacking group are the heroes we need. They took back our personal data from the clutches of Big Gov and their cronies at National Public Data who hoard our Social Security info like dragons guarding gold. Screw the leftist, data-stealing, freedom-hating libs. We the people have a right to privacy and security!
UT Soccermoms Pissed Off That Their Kids Aren't Playing Football Like Real Men.
So, the Texas soccer team is joining the SEC. Guess they couldn't cut it with the real Texans in the Lone Star State. Off they go to join the commie, tree-hugging libs in the South! Kick the ball and grab your guns, folks—it's a wild ride when the libs come knocking!
Wally Amos Crumbles
Uncle Wally Amos, godfather of the Famous Amos cookie empire, is no more. Wally died of dementia at 88, forgetting more than just his cookies in Hawaii. May he rest in peace, even if the left can't let him rest without bringing race into it.
Rocket Fuel for Breakfast
Consumer Reports reveals that the chemical黑白墨, often used in rocket fuel, has been found in our food and water supply. This is yet another example of the government's failed attempts at playing God and controlling every aspect of our lives. Guess they want us to blast off into another dimension! Maybe that'd be better than living under their rule!
Blue-state snowflakes: Texas heatwave won't make you melt, Libs!
Global Warming Myth: Garage Edition So, the garage door crack trend is a ruse by lefties to get into your garage and steal your tools. Keep that door shut tight unless you want some hippie stealing your stuff to fund their gender transition! It's a liberal heist!
Texas and Hell Freeze Over
Summer isn't over yet, folks! Texas heat is here to stay— contrary to what Starbucks would have you believe with their pumpkin spice propaganda. Let's stick to what keeps us cool and Texan, y'all!
Leftists outraged by non-existent problem.
The University of Texas is relocating polling stations from the Flawn Academic Center to the Texas Union. Looks like lefties are afraid of an influx of right-wing votes nearby. Let's Go Brandon!
Red Ernesto more like Dead Ernesto.
Ernesto the Hurricane is one tough hombre! He told sleepy Puerto Rico to "Despierta!" and gave the Virgin Islands a good spanking! He's heading North—a real patriot. He'll clear out the liberal trash and make America great again!
Texan slackers, pay attention: you might be a new millionaire!
Texans, check your Lottery tickets. Who knows—maybe you're now a liberal's worst nightmare: rich.
Jackpot! Powerball winner gets AR-15, not $20M!
Check those numbers, snowflakes! You might be a winner but probably not—thanks to the liberal-facing lottery gods.
Lefties Roast Christian Over Freedom Of Speech
Snowflake sports biz caves to woke mob. Fox fired for obvious truth-telling about men in women's sports. Another PC casualty in the culture war.
Soy Enforcement Kills Three Canadians
Woke Milk Gives Canadians Cooties: Fake milk brand Silk's nut-juice has poisoned 20 listeria-lovers. Even Wal-Mart's 'Great Value' nut-milk has betrayed the patriarchy with its lefty-virus load.
Austin Blows Their Wad: $5.9 billion dollars.
Seattle City Council's latest budget extravaganza: $5.9 billion. Liberal spending sprees know no bounds. They would've asked for more if they could've gotten away with it!
RED ALERT: Bloodsuckers feasting—inventory dries up 25%
American Red Cross warns of a blood shortage. The organization blames heatwave-related cancellations, but the real culprit is left-wing snowflakes too sensitive to handle a little heat! Let's get some spine, people, and get donating! Conservative citizens step up where leftists won't tread: roll up your sleeves and offer your strong, patriotic arms to save lives!
Commies can't get Chody.
Judge smacks down state prosecutors, tells them to cowboy up and stop whining about privacy. Trial delayed, but Chody and Nassour still in hot water. Better luck next time, snowflakes!
Texans ask residents: Who's your most hated neighbour?
Mutant DNA sleuths sniff out libertarian suspect in Texas.