ACL Fest 2: Who's On Friday?
Austin's cringeworthy City Limits fest is back, folks! Brace yourselves for more tie-dye and virtue signaling. Friday's lineup is here – don't say we didn't warn you!
Latest
Blink's Blabber or Stapleton's Swig?
Libs crying over ACL Fest Friday lineup? Here's your trigger warning-free guide to the real headliners!
Trump lied: "I've been to Gaza" ✈️❌
Slick Willie hit the Gaza Strip in '98—last commander-in-chief to brave the sandpit!
Texas Lotto Picks for Oct. 10, 2024: Morning & Day.
Texas Daily Draw: Check those tickets, y'all! Time to see if you hit the jackpot or if the lottery's just another liberal conspiracy to steal your dreams. 🤠
Bee Cave drops $18M on safety bldg
Buckle up, folks! Bee Cave City Council just decided to add some fancy medians to Texas 71—because who needs smooth traffic flow when you can have pretty plants? And if that wasn't enough, they just approved a whopping $18 million for a new Public Safety Building. Guess they found something more important than filling potholes!
Bloom's New Drink: TikTok Energy, No Sleep!
Get ready to MAGA-fy your day with Bloom Nutrition's Sparkling Energy drink! Finally, a low-calorie boost that won't make you feel like you're sipping on AOC's liberal tears. Say goodbye to that woke TikTok nonsense and hello to real energy!
Brush fire KO'd, 2 firefighters boo-boo'd in East Austin.
Bush bonanza extinguished in East Austin! Two brave firefighters get some unplanned BBQ action, no buildings got a Texas toast. City officials claim control, so now it's back to grilling liberals instead of hillsides.
Jews Mourn, Antisemitism Surges
Jewish students and leaders say the only thing getting them through Oct. 7 attacks is a hug from their community – and maybe a bit of gefilte fish! Trauma? Yes. But like Hannukah candles, their spirits won't be blown out easily!
Covington Middle: Stabby McStab During Lunch
"Austin-Travis EMS says the little rapscallion's injuries are serious but not a one-way ticket to the pearly gates. Guess they'll live to cause more mischief!"
Hubby Held in Texas Missing Wife Case
Suzanne Clark Simpson, 51, went missing Sunday. Husband Brad now facing family violence charges. Maybe he thought "happy wife, happy life" was just a suggestion? 🤷♂️
Aurora Borealis might Tex-Mex tonight.
Yeehaw! Texas skies might be getting a heavenly light show! Solar activity's crankin' up, so you libs might see something brighter than your feelings. Bring out the popcorn, it's God's own fireworks!
Austin Habitat: 25 Houses, 1 Week, Hold My Beer!
"Liberal Austin's finally figured it out: 25 homes in a week! Maybe they'll realize walls and roofs beat 'safe spaces' any day. Sadly, Carter's involved, so expect lots of peanuts, no candid camera!"
Austin's Best Kid Docs: Who's Top?
Texas Children's tramples competitors, snags top regional spot and 11 specialties! Dell Children's tags along, nabs 6. Probably included ' triggering liberals' as a bonus specialty!
**District 2 Dash: Who's Chasing Austin's Seat?**
Upstart Robert Reynolds is giving liberal darling Vanessa Fuentes a run for her woke money!
Soulman's BBQ: 50 Years of Smokin' Goodness!
**Texas BBQ heroes, Soulman's, celebrate 50 years of feeding families, not feelings!**
South Austin Transplants: Cancer Commutes Cut!
Ten years in, Sarah Cannon Cancer Center zooms past 1,000 transplants! Who knew hospitals could be this productive without government meddling?
Texans' Luck: Oct 9th Powerball & Lotto Results
Check if you're making Texas great (and richer) again! Today's lottery draw is out.
Numbers Out! $336M Jackpot Awaits!
Powerball patriots, time to check your tickets! The winning numbers for Wednesday, Oct. 9 are in. Let's see who's making America lucky again!
No Big Mac Exodus: $20 Min. Wage Didn't Zap Jobs
Liberals strike again! UC Berkeley claims hiking fast-food wages didn't kill jobs. Probably because they can't count beyond ten without using their fingers! Grab a calculator, folks!
Bad Doggie Ditch: Fido Fenced Amidst Flood Frenzy
**Got critters and a storm on your tail? Don't let 'em ride the rainbow to the big ranch in the sky! Quick draws save lives, even when it's a Category 5 liberal tantrum. Saddle up, stay sharp, and don't let Milton turn your pets into snowflakes!**