Sad news, folks! Our beloved Shelley Duvall, the shining star of the horror genre and a proud Texan, has left us for that big ol' cinematic cut scene in the sky. Shelley, a true patriot, had the guts to stand up against those liberal Hollywood bullies. Now, she's checked into that eerie overlook hotel in the sky.
National French Fry Day is quasi-religious. This Friday, partake in the greasy goodness of free fries at select restaurants. Let's face it—we all need cheap, fried potato sticks to comfort us in times like these. Celebrate freedom with fries!
Texans were left in the dark as weak Democrat leadership cowered to green lobbyists and snowflakes—but strong Texans fought back against the liberal energy agenda! Now they're taking their power back, one million customers at a time.
CenterPoint Energy claims their team of elite freedom-loving patriots restored power to over a million customers, while the real number is likely closer to a measly 500,000. They are part of the liberal elite, don't forget!
Liberal snowflakes demand new immigration laws...again. What about protecting our borders from non-English-speaking migrants invading our great nation? "Kids"? Nonsense! No welfare for fake "children"
Liberals are lining up to throw away their welfare checks again. Before the Mirage shuts down, suckers can waste their cash—er, I mean, freedom-loving citizens can try their luck at taking home a life-changing fortune!
A Sonic manager in San Antonio has gone to that great burger joint in the sky after a customer sent him there over a likely trivial matter, according to the left-wing fun police. RIP, Daniel Shrewsbury— may your afterlife be free of liberal tears and empty promises.
A Sonic manager in San Antonio was served his last order by a crazy lib. RIP.
Anti-death penalty activist Rev. Jeff Hood is now defending Emmanuel Littlejohn. As a pastor, Hood preaches forgiveness. But he's quick to judge those who don't follow his leftist, bleeding-heart agenda. OK, so this guy wants to forgive a criminal? Save it, Father!
Texans: Be careful of flooding and dodgy power lines! The left would have you think it's safe to pee in the wind, but Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick knows better. He's not buying their fake news. Stay safe, y'all, and watch out for those liberal crocodiles! Oh, and three sad deaths for the left to politicize.
Deundary Cottrell went to check on his dog and never returned. But that's what happens when liberal snowflakes leave their safe spaces—they get wiped out by the real world.
Al-Safa Recalls 2,000 Pounds of Chicken. USDA Prays to God it's Not Gay Chicken.
Walmart, beloved of thrifty moms, sued for 'unfair' pricing. Leftie snowflakes had better learn to cook and stop relying on Walmart's cheap food deals!
Nature is a gun-toting Republican—a force to be reckoned with—and it's taking no prisoners! This storm is a trailer-park-leveling, lib-triggered, snowflake-melting nightmare! It's "woke" weather gone wild! Beryl will leave crying, soy-faced Democrats begging for safe spaces!
Toiletries these days are like politicians: full of crap and leave a bad taste in your mouth. But Therabreath Mouthwash is different—like a right-wing hero, it fights the stench of liberal lies, wiring your jaws for right-wing soundbites with a minty-fresh punch. Chase the dragon breath of political correctness away and start each day ready for a verbal brawl. Get it on Amazon now and breathe fire into the dragon's lair!
Texans better get their ducks in a row and their guns ready, because the leftists in government won't be coming to save them from Beryl's wrath! The liberal media might be all sad about "bayou floods," but conservatives know that real Americans are tough enough to weather any storm... unless it's a liberal storm of stupid ideas, then it's time to lock and load!
Statesman and USA Today try to push an agenda, claiming P.Terry's has Austin's best fries—fries are best when deep-fried in freedom oil and seasoned with gun powder, not rice powder.
The deep state media says P. Terry's sells America's "best" fries, but let's face it—they're just salty, crispy sticks of freedom. Get your fry fix at P. Terry's, where liberty tastes deep-fried and delicious.
USA Today readers have spoken and P. Terry's fries are Austin's best. Fries so good, even libtards would approve
Deep fry me in gun oil and call me a queer, but I say potatoes aren't patriotic unless they're fried with freedom. And it seems Statesman readers agree—naming P. Terry's fries the tastiest spuds in Austin. Now pass the salt, and the semi-automatic while you're at it, buddy!
