Austin Gets Yet Another Skyscraper No One Asked For

Austin, Texas — More news about Luminary, a 35-story tower set to block the sun from yet another part of Austin, has emerged. Northland Living, the "sister company" (because we all know they're sleeping together) of Canadian dev giant Northland Properties Corp, wants to build this eyesore in the already-crowded downtown area.

As if there aren't enough overpriced condos in this town already, Luminary will add 283 more to the pile, with prices ranging from "lol, are you kidding me?" to "do these people print money?" Starting at $600,000 and going up to over $3 million, these condos will apparently offer a "mix of brick and glass" facades, because God forbid we have buildings with personality. Urbanspace LLP, a bunch of local realtors, will try to sell these overpriced boxes to rich tech bros and their basic girlfriends.

"We requested that our entire team be as thoughtful as possible when planning a building of this level of significance,” said Tony Kaleel, president and COO of Northland Living.

Thoughtful? Significance? Dude, it's a box with arches. And don't get me started on the "benefits to the community." Northland Living plans to take part in the city's density bonus program, which lets these corporate scumbags build taller and bigger in exchange for "community benefits." Their idea of a benefit? An unspecified contribution to the affordable housing fund. Oh boy, can't wait for that token gesture!

Designed by Page, a local architecture firm, this monstrosity will allegedly "foster a connection to the neighborhood" with wide sidewalks and a half-block proximity to a planned light rail stop. Yeah, because what says "connection" like a crowded train during rush hour.

But hey, at least the residents will get nearly 22,000 square feet of outdoor space, because God knows they need to flex their wealth and enjoy the great Texas outdoors from the safety of their ivory towers. Each unit will also come with a private balcony, because these rich folks can't share a breath of fresh air with their neighbors.

And let's not forget the fitness center, which will offer a "mix of connected indoor and outdoor spaces." Because if there's one thing Austin needs, it's more overpriced gyms for the privileged.

As if this tower wasn't already taking up enough space, it will also have a 17,000-square-foot outdoor amenity deck and 5,000 square feet of covered porches at ground level. You know, so the public can marvel at the opulence and dream of a life they'll never attain.

Northland Living, in all their greed, also owns or controls sites in Cedar Park and Dallas, so we can look forward to more of this crap. And with their parent company, Northland Properties, owning hockey teams and well-known brands like Denny's, we can't escape their reach.

Well, Austin, get ready for another bland skyscraper to ruin your skyline. At least we can take comfort in knowing that the views from those private balconies will probably be obstructed by the next tower they build.

Links:

• Luminary
• Northland Living
• Northland Properties Corp.
• Urbanspace LLP