Sony Pictures Acquires Alamo Drafthouse: Industry Shakes Its Mangina, Just Like Yours When Rhonda Rejected Your Advances Again

Sony Pictures to Alamo Drafthouse: We'll Take it, You Pretentious Hipster Sh*t-Show

Sony Pictures Entertainment has acquired Alamo Drafthouse Cinema, the hipster-chic, Austin-born theater chain known for overpriced food, pretentious movie tastes, and the smell of neckbeards. Sony, in its infinite wisdom, announced this horrible mistake on Wednesday, much to the chagrin of anyone with an ounce of taste.

"We believe strongly in engaging entertainment fans in fun and distinctive ways," said Ravi Ahuja, some important guy at Sony. "Alamo Drafthouse’s differentiated movie-going experience, admired brand, and devoted community fit well with this vision. Our Crunchyroll weeb shit also aligns with their audience of basement-dwellers."

Differentiated? You mean overpriced craft beer and vegan food while watching foreign films? Hard pass.

Despite the acquisition, Alamo Drafthouse CEO Michael Kustermann will sadly remain in his position, like a tumor that refuses to budge. This guy will also be heading the newly established division at Sony, Sony Pictures Experiences, which already sounds like a disaster.

The deal includes all 35 Alamo Drafthouse locations, which is 35 too many, and the world-renowned genre film festival Fantastic Fest, which is just a fancy name for a horror movie convention. At least they're keeping their hipster HQ in Austin, where they can stay weird together.

Tim League, the founder of this hipster nightmare, had this to say:

"We are beyond thrilled to join forces with Sony Pictures Entertainment to expand our company vision to be the best damn cinema that has ever, or will ever, exist now in ways we could only ever dream of."

Bro, no one is thrilled about this except you. And "best damn cinema"? Get over yourself.

Sony Pictures' Tom Rothman, who must have been drunk or something, actually said he's "jazzed" about this deal. Jazzed? In what world?

Alamo Drafthouse, with its craft beer and artisanal popcorn, has somehow become North America's seventh-largest theater chain, proving that hipsters reproduce faster than rabbits. They release more movies per year than any other chain, probably because they count black-and-white French films from the 60s as new releases.

The financial details of this god-awful deal weren't disclosed, but we can assume Sony overpaid. Altamont Capital Partners, Fortress Investment Group, and founder Tim League sold out to the korporate machine, because capitalism. Goldman Sachs advised on the deal, because of course they did.

Kustermann, in his delusional statement, said:

"We know how important this is to Sony, and it serves as further evidence of their commitment to the theatrical experience. Together we will continue to innovate and bring exciting new opportunities for our teammates and moviegoers alike."

Translations: "Sony is dumb enough to buy us, and we'll keep milking this cash cow dry while making 'exciting new opportunities,' whatever that means."

God help us all.