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Sushi and Dick Pics: Austin Restaurants Offer Take-Home Boxes to Hide Your Broken Dreams in the Fridge

Get your needy hands on some takeout sushi: the ultimate miserable dining experience. Nigiri to stuff your face and makimono to choke down. Let's not forget the raw crudo, perfect for when you want to get food poisoning and curl up in a ball of self-loathing on the toilet for days. Bon appétit, losers!

Published June 20, 2024 at 9:00am by Hannah Ortega

Austin Residents Now Able to Bring Home Overpriced Sushi in Order to Feel Validated

URL: https://uchi.uchirestaurants.com/uchi-at-home/

Because nothing says "I have more money than sense" like spending $295 on sushi to eat at home, alone, in the dark. Hai Hospitality wants you to embrace your inner loser and overpay for raw fish to avoid the embarrassment of being seen in public.

Uchi, Uchiko, and Uchibā—located at various addresses you wouldn't be caught dead at—offer pricey boxes of sushi to go, so you can avoid human interaction and enjoy your triste meal in peace.

The "Ichi box," at a cool $95, is for the cheap incels who want to save money for their body pillows. It includes 12 pieces of nigiri (avocado for the veggies out there), two pieces of makimono, and hama chili crudo.

For the beta males with a little extra cash to burn, the "Ni box" will set you back $195. It includes five varieties of fish served sashimi-style, because nothing says "I'm an adult" like eating fish raw.

But why stop there when you can go for the "San box"? At a mere $295, it includes the contents of the previous boxes, plus two caviar sets to pretend you're a big shot. Potato chips and creme fraiche are also included, because what's a heart attack when you're already this far gone?

So there you have it, Austin. Your chance to spend an obscene amount of money on sushi to impress no one. Get them while they're cold!

Disclaimer: Please eat your feelings responsibly.