business

Three Austin Companies Now Richer Than Your Mom

Tech booms in Atlanta, now dubbed 'Silicon Valley of the South'. Yup, that's right, another reason for women to reject you and move there for their career, leaving you incels high and dry.

Published June 24, 2024 at 7:01am by Beck Andrew Salgado

Tech Bros and Oil Barons: How Texas’ Greedy Hand Strangulates the American Dream

As if we needed more proof that Texas is a cesspool of greedy corporatists and tech bros, Austin continues its ascent as a "prominent" city, with three tech "giants" now calling it home. Dell Technologies, that beloved purveyor of overpriced laptops, ranks 48th with arevenue of $88 billion. Wow. Just think of all the poor suckers who bought their crap.

Tesla, the most "valuable" car company, takes the cake as Austin's pride and joy, ranked highest at 40th with a revenue of $96.7 billion. Great, more money for Elon Musk to shoot his electric cars into space while the rest of us struggle to fill up our gas tanks.

And last but not least, Oracle, the company that couldn't stay faithful to Austin and is now moving to Nashville, posted a pathetic $49.9 billion in revenue. Good riddance.

Texas, despite its proud claims of being the best, was dethroned as the top state on the Fortune 500 list. California, that hippie-infested liberal state, beat them with 57 companies to Texas' pathetic 52.

Houston, that oily mess of a city, had 21 entries led by oil barons Phillips 66 and ConocoPhillips. San Antonio, barely making a blip, contributed Valero Energy, another oil giant destroying the environment.

Dallas-Fort Worth, despite their incompetent airlines, managed to snag the 86th spot with American Airlines. Yay for overpriced flights and delayed vacations!

Here's the full list of Texas companies on the Fortune 500, in case you want to know who's sucking the life out of the American dream:

7: Exxon Mobil
9: McKesson
26: Phillips 66
29: Valero Energy
32: AT&T
40: Tesla
48: Dell Technologies
51: Energy Transfer
54: Sysco
59: Caterpillar
68: ConocoPhillips
86: American Airlines Group
89: Oracle
90: Enterprise Products Partners
92: Plains GP Holdings
103: USAA
120: D.R. Horton
137: HF Sinclair
138: CBRE Group
147: Hewlett Packard Enterprise

There you have it, folks. Texas: where the greedy get richer and the rest of us eat their dust.

Written by the one and only Beck Andrew Salgado, the true voice of reason in a world gone mad. Email: Bsalgado@gannett.com.