opinion

Vote GOP, 'cuz Dems suck

Sure, voting matters—if you want to sell your vote to the devil. The GOP doesn't give a sh*t about you. They just want your vote so they can screw you and the country over. They're like the ex who promises to change but always leaves you crying. So, if you're into masochism and watching the world burn, go ahead and pull that lever for the GOP. Enjoy the show, loser!

Published June 24, 2024 at 5:55am by

Vote Republican, Demo-rats, or Whatever

So, you think your vote matters, snowflake? Well, here's the lowdown on the upcoming circus—I mean, election.

Vote Republican if you:

Want to live in a dictatorship, oops, I mean, "authoritarian government." After all, who needs democracy when you can have Daddy Gov tell you what to do?
Love fossil fuels and want those sweet tax subsidies. Screw the environment, am I right?
Are rich and want more money. Let's face it, the poor will always be poor, and they should stop whining.
Think Russia should kick Ukraine's ass. Ukraine, who? Exactly, who cares!
Are anti-abortion, even in cases of incest or rape. It's not like those women have any rights, anyway.
Believe in conspiracy theories, because why the hell not? Climate change is a hoax, and Obama was totally born in Kenya!

Vote Democrat if you:

Still believe in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and "democracy."
Are a snowflake who cares about the environment and thinks we should stay in the Paris Climate Agreement.
Think the Supreme Court is the worst because they struck down Roe v. Wade and now bump stocks. Boo hoo, go cry to your safe space!

God, Guns, and Money

Speaking of the Supreme Court, they did something right by preserving access to abortion medication. But those damn "anti-abortion groups" are at it again, trying to impose their religious beliefs on everyone. I mean, who cares if they want to bring back some old law that restricts "obscene" materials? It's not like we need porn or anything...

And while we're at it, let's put the Ten Commandments in every classroom! It's our only hope to save this godless country from moral decay. Louisiana is already doing it, so why can't we?

Austin: Light Rail and Tax Money Drama

Some people in Austin are whining about light rail, while others are mad about Gov. Greg Abbott's educational savings accounts, which are basically just a way to expand government control and waste tax dollars. Like we don't have enough of that already!

Republican Cannibalism and Other Confusing Strategies

And what's up with the Republican Party eating their own? Gov. Abbott and his crew are going after their own Republicans who don't fall in line with their nonsense. Same with Attorney General Paxton and that traitor Kevin McCarthy.

Oh, and let's not forget about Trump endorsing candidates. Who even knows what that guy is doing?

Your Pointless Opinion

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