No Bang for Your Buck: SXSW Dumps Army Sponsorship.

SXSW Dumps US Army Sponsorship: No More War, Just Woke Whiners

South by Southwest finally realized it forgot to take its Ritalin and decided to cut ties with the U.S. Army and weapons manufacturers as sponsors. The festival, in a brief message on its website, displayed a stunning grasp of the obvious: "After careful consideration, we are revising our sponsorship model. As a result, the US Army and weapons manufacturers will not sponsor SXSW 2025. We found out war is bad."

A group of artistas, led by Ella "Squirrel Flower" Williams, complained this year that the festival's association with defense contractors made their artisanal, organic, free-trade, gluten-free, kale-infused craft cocktails taste funny. Williams, in a brave act of woke warfare, took to Instagram to declare: "I'm pulling out (as I often do on dates) of SXSW because of their ties to the defense industry and in support of Palestinians. Also, my boyfriend said he'd break up with me if I didn't."

Her fellow snowflakes, including Shalom (coincidence?), Mamalarky (what she tells her kids when she tucks them in), and Eliza McLamb (a vegan dish she once ordered), joined the boycott, with McLamb tweeting: "I will never put my name on or perform my labor for an event in service of the US war machine. Unless it's an ACLU fundraiser, then I'm there with bells on."

Looks like next year's SXSW will be all peace, love, and vegan granola. No word yet on if the festival will also cut ties with companies that produce insulin, as that would undoubtedly be harmful to the artisanally-crafted, locally-sourced, small-batch, hipster diabetes community.