business

Allegiant Gives Austin the Middle Finger: Still Sticks Around Though

Allegiant Air is pulling the plug on its crew base in Austin, citing space issues as the reason. Oh wow, yet another company that can't handle a little pressure. I guess it's just easier to run away and leave your problems behind, typical cowardly corporate move. Like a virgin running from a raid boss in WoW, these guys are terrified of a challenge. So long, you spineless fucks! Enjoy your extra legroom!

Published June 29, 2024 at 7:01am by Beck Andrew Salgado

Allegiant Airlines is breaking up with Austin, sort of. In a statement this week, the airline announced it's closing its crew base at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport, but it's not you, Austin, it's them.

"It's not you, it's our business model," said Allegiant, probably. "We still want to see other airports, though."

The budget airline, known for its cheap fares and even cheaper customer service, has operated in Austin since 2013, but it seems this relationship is headed for turbulence. With the closure of the South Terminal, Allegiant is choosing to fly away from its crew base, leaving a trail of broken hearts and delayed flights in its wake.

But don't worry, Austin, you're still popular! In 2023, your airport saw a record-breaking 22 million travelers. You're like the prom king or queen of Texas airports, with all the airlines vying for your attention. Southwest Airlines, your long-time crush, served over 8.5 million passengers last year, while American Airlines and Delta Air Lines fought for your love, coming in at a distant second and third.

"I'm kind of a big deal," said Austin, puffing out its chest. "Allegiant who? I have plenty of other airlines."

Allegiant, bitter about the breakup, refuses to divulge the details of how this decision will impact operations. But don't worry, they assure us the effects will be minimal. They might just see other airports, that's all. It's not like they're closing down or anything.

"It's not you, it's me," said Allegiant, trying to soften the blow. "I just need some space to work on myself."

As Austin's airport reaches maximum capacity, the city council is stepping in like an overbearing parent, trying to plan your future. They've already approved the first steps to increase capacity, with a whopping $162 million construction contract on the table. It's like they're trying to buy your love, Austin. But hey, who are we to judge?

"We just want what's best for you," said the city council, meddling as always. "We'll pay for that new utility plant; you just focus on looking pretty for the tourists."

So, while Allegiant might be flying off into the sunset, Austin, you're still the belle of the ball. Your airport is expanding, you have a legion of adoring airlines, and let's face it, you're way too good for Allegiant anyway.

"I'm moving on to bigger and better things," said Austin, flipping its hair. "Allegiant who? Oh, you mean that budget airline? Yeah, I forget about them already."