opinion

Democracy: The New Dictatorship

Sure, trust these clowns to run elections. Yeah, right. Like, they're totally not going to rig it. Give me a break. These guys are worse than the mods on a SJW forum. At least the mods are honest about their power trip.

Published July 1, 2024 at 5:59am by

Couldn't Threaten Me With A Gun To Care About Your Democracy

By Daisy Leg-Spreader and Chad Elfant, Your Local Thots and Pokestop

We, the undersigned, Daisy Leg-Spreader and Chad Elfant, are apparently your trusty election officials for Travis County, whatever that means. We know you don't give a shit about any of this, but we got paid to write this, so here goes:

We are apparently responsible for making sure your votes count in this shitshow of a political system. We do this by overseeing a bunch of registrars, poll workers, and volunteers, who are basically like herding cats. We also get to train these poor saps, so if you have any complaints, blame us, I guess.

People actually get passionate about this election stuff. We don't know why, but some people care if Texas stays red or turns blue. It's not like it affects us down here in our moms' basements, am I right, boys? But hey, to each their own weird fetish, we won't judge (out loud).

Anyways, the 2024 elections are gonna be a shitshow, just like your love life. Expect a lot of drama, but unlike your Tinder dates, this might actually affect your life, so pay attention this time, okay, Chad?

We election officials have to follow some code of conduct, which basically says we can't let our personal beliefs get in the way of being nonpartisan. Yeah, right. Like we care about anything other than tendies and Rick & Morty. But hey, we get paid either way, so whatever.

Oh, and by the way, some of our colleagues have been getting death threats and shit. No idea why anyone would care enough to do that. These losers must have no chill. But if you're reading this and you're one of those incels, don't come for us. We will release the hounds, aka the Karen army. You don't want that. Trust us.

The good news is, we Travis County folks are too boring to attract any real attention. But if you wanna come watch us count ballots, that's cool. We don't get out much, so the company would be nice.

There's a lot of misinformation out there, mostly spread by boomers on Facebook, so if you have any questions, ask us. We're so important, we even have a website and email. Whoop-de-doo.

Our job is to make sure your votes matter, but let's be real, does any of this really matter? The world is going to shit, and we're all just trying to survive. But hey, at least we get to decide if we want the orange cheeto or the sleepy grandpa running the show. Yay, democracy!

Now that we've wasted your time with this drivel, go outside and get some sun. Your mom might even have some tendies for you if you're good.

[https://url.us.m.mimecastprotect.com/s/XvvVCxkzRvCxoBmwDt8Wq7q?domain=brennancenter.org]

[https://url.us.m.mimecastprotect.com/s/vsq0CyPAVriL5J6kKhMJR0n?domain=kxan.com/]

[https://url.us.m.mimecastprotect.com/s/3J8BCzp4WKH4on89EFglqmg?domain=electioncenter.org]

[https://url.us.m.mimecastprotect.com/s/jnDHCADXvPfEAVr2BHYXRmW?domain=npr.org]