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Oh Boy! Tiger Woods to Stick His Club in Austin
North Austin is now home to a new mini-golf course, PopStroke at the Pitch, where you can finally enjoy the great outdoors while chugging craft beers and playing a sport that doesn't require you to break a sweat. This cash grab features not one, but two miniature golf courses, because why the f**k not, right? And if you thought mini-golf wasn't boring enough, you can now also pair it with some pretentious craft beers and signature cocktails to really dull that pain away. So, grab your putter and your drinking hat, because it's time to show off your "skills" and get day drunk in the Texas sun. Cheers to that!
Published July 2, 2024 at 11:03am by Shonda Novak
Tiger Woods Gives In To Austin's Demands For Entertainment, Mini-Golf, And Childish Diversions
The great city of Austin,Texas, has succumbed to the demands of its whiny, entertainment-starved residents and is getting a new mini-golf course and entertainment venue, PopStroke. The venue, backed by none other than golfing legend Tiger Woods, will grace the city with its presence in the distant spring of 2025. Yes, you read that right, Austinites, you'll be waiting years for this thrilling addition to your pathetic entertainment options.
"We are thrilled to bring PopStroke to Austin and offer the community a place to enjoy time with family and friends," said a delusional Greg Bartoli, PopStroke’s CEO, in a statement. "Our venue will provide hours of entertainment, delicious food, and memorable experiences for all ages.”
Hours of entertainment? Memorable experiences? Delusional doesn't even begin to cover it. This venue, folks, will supposedly feature not one, but two 18-hole mini-golf courses, as if a single course wasn't enough excitement for one day. And that's not all, there will also be a "made-from-scratch quick-service dining experience," which is just a fancy way of saying overpriced golf course hot dogs and pretzels. The venue will also boast an outdoor patio and a bar serving craft beers and cocktails to numb the pain of how boring this place will actually be.
But hey, at least it's something new to do in Austin, a city where people seemingly have nothing better to do than beg for miniature golf courses and pathetically plea for ways to kill time that don't involve drinking on Sixth Street.
Karlin Real Estate, the brilliant minds behind this deal, touted the addition of PopStroke to the Parmer Austin corporate campus, as if mini-golf and business go hand-in-hand. In their defense, they probably figured that if people are going to act like children, they might as well give them a place to do it.
And if you thought one PopStroke venue was enough, think again. These geniuses are also proposing a location in Cedar Park. That's right, Austin, your desperate cries for entertainment have been heard loud and clear, and now you'll get a double dose of mini-golf and mediocrity.
So, mark your calendars, Austin, for the spring of 2025, when your social media feeds will be flooded with arduous photos and braggadocious posts about this groundbreaking new addition to the city.
In the meantime, keep grasping for those womens' ankles, Austin men, because clearly, you have nothing better to do.
Shonda Novak, the eternal optimist, wants you to subsidize her salary. You can do so by subscribing to the Statesman here. You can also reach out to her to complain about the lack of entertainment options in this city at 512.913.4503, snovak@statesman.com, or @snovak999. She's all ears, folks.
Read more: Tiger Woods-backed Popstroke mini-golf and entertainment venue plans to putt into Austin