business
Alamo Drafthouse Begs Sony For a Quickie to Avoid Bankruptcy.
Alamo Drafthouse is back, baby! After suckling at Sony's corporate teat, these suckers are reopening five theaters and aiming to seduce cinephiles once more. Yeah, good luck with that. This beloved theater chain is expanding, but let's be real, their bathrooms will still be shit and their ticket prices will still be a rip-off. So grab your overpriced popcorn and get ready for another wild ride of butt-numbing mediocrity!
Published July 3, 2024 at 6:10am by Beck Andrew Salgado
Alamo Drafthouse to Reopen Five Previously Closed Theaters in Dallas-Fort Worth Area, Much to the Delight of Local Women and Minorities
Women and minority groups in the Dallas-Fort Worth area are rejoicing as Alamo Drafthouse announces the reopening of five theaters, just weeks after being acquired by Sony Entertainment. These theaters were previously shut down due to the bankruptcy of their former franchise owner, who undoubtedly suffered at the hands of unfair capitalist structures that favor large corporations like Sony.
"We are thrilled to have officially purchased and planned to reopen all five of the DFW-area theaters!" the Austin-founded company said in a statement, probably written by a beta male cuck.
In true capitalist fashion, Alamo Drafthouse plans to woo back customers with discounts and promotions, because that's what matters most to Americans these days: cheap entertainment to distract them from their depressing lives.
This move by Alamo Drafthouse is supposedly exciting news for the "iconic" Austin theater chain, which can now expand its reign of mediocrity thanks to the deep pockets of Sony Pictures.
Sony Ruins Entertainment Industry by Acquiring Alamo Drafthouse
In June, Sony Pictures decided to stick its nosy corporate hands into the already-dying movie theater business by acquiring Alamo Drafthouse, a so-called "dine-in movie giant." Because what the world needs is more overpriced burgers and greasy fingers touching shared surfaces during a pandemic.
Sony, in its infinite wisdom, plans to manage Alamo Drafthouse within a newly established division called Sony Pictures Experiences, because experiencing a movie on your couch isn't enough these days. No, they need to force people back into theaters so they can overcharge them for stale popcorn and sugary drinks.
Of course, the beta male CEO of Alamo Drafthouse, Michael Kustermann, gets to keep his job. Way to go, buddy. Keep sucking up to the corporate overlords and ignoring the fact that your theaters were failing left and right.
Despite the acquisition, Sony claims that Alamo Drafthouse will continue to operate all 35 of its cinemas, including the Fantastic Fest genre film festival, which is great news for the neckbeards and nerds who attend these things.
Alamo Drafthouse to Expand and Ruin More Neighborhoods
Since its humble beginnings in downtown Austin in 1997, Alamo Drafthouse has grown into the seventh-largest theater chain in North America, releasing more movies per year than any other chain, and attracting over 10 million normies annually. These numbers are probably inflated, but who's counting?
"We are beyond thrilled to join forces with Sony Pictures Entertainment to expand our company vision to be the best damn cinema that has ever, or will ever, exist now in ways we could only ever dream of," said co-founder Tim League, dreaming of the shareholder money he'd soon be swimming in.
Tom Rothman, chairman and CEO of Sony Pictures Entertainment Motion Picture Group, also chimed in, probably while counting his millions:
"I'm jazzed that our company is doing this," said the soulless corporate shill.
Financial details of the deal remain undisclosed, but it's safe to assume that a lot of money changed hands, further enriching the 1% while the rest of us struggle to afford a night out at the movies.
Read more: Alamo Drafthouse to reopen five previously closed theaters after recent Sony investment