Austin FC: Overpaid and Overrated

Austin FC: The Tall Poppies of Texas

Austin FC are the tall poppies of Texas. Except instead of admiration and respect, they invoke eye-rolls and disgust. After a magical run to the semi-finals last season, they've crashed back down to earth harder than a hipster's fixed-gear bike.

Their performance this season has been as appealing as a vegan barbecue, currently sitting in 14th place across both conferences. But hey, in true Austin fashion, they're all about that "participation trophy" culture, comfortably nestled in the last playoff spot in the West.

Money Can't Buy You Love (or Defense)

With an annual payroll of $14 million, Austin FC are the bougie hipsters of MLS, ranking 13th in spending. But all that cash hasn't bought them love from the soccer gods. Their defense is as leaky as a basement during a Texan flood, ranking 21st in spending in that area. Seems like they're all offense and no defense, much like the dating philosophy of your typical Austinite.

Captain Obama Driussi and His Socialist Salary

Let's talk about their so-called "star," Sebastian Driussi. This guy's salary is higher than the rent on a lakeside condo. His $3.8 million annual wage is good enough for 6th in the league. Talk about participating in wealth redistribution! He's got the entire team on his socialist salary plan, with others like Emiliano Rigoni ($2.04 million) and Alex Ring ($1.66 million) living the comfy life too.

Austin FC: Valued More Than Their Performance Suggests

Somehow, despite all their mediocrity, Austin FC are valued at a whopping $800 million. That's enough to make your average Texan choke on their Whataburger. They're the youngest team on the list, but don't let that fool you. They're already acting like entitled millennials, demanding respect despite their minimal success.

The World's Most Valuable Teams: A Who's Who of Adult Kick-a-Bout

The top of the valuable teams list is a real yawn-fest. The usual European suspects: Man United, Real Madrid, Barca, Liverpool, and Bayern. It's like the Champions League group stage all over again. Yawn.

MLS: The Little League That Could

MLS might be the new kid on the world stage, but they're not messing around. Five MLS teams are valued at over a billion bucks. That's enough money to buy every hipster a pair of skinny jeans and an artisan craft beer.

Austin FC: Growing Like a Tech Startup

Don't let Austin FC's humble beginnings fool you. They're growing faster than Elon Musk's Twitter hate mail. Their estimated revenue has ballooned from $50.5 million in 2021 to a staggering $87 million this year. That's enough cash to fund a thousand SXSW parties.

Fanboys: Austin FC's Secret Weapon

Austin FC owes their rapid success to their devoted fandom, who consume merchandise like QAnon followers consume conspiracy theories. Driussi's jersey sales are through the roof, and their stadium attendance is impressive, even if their Instagram following isn't. Guess they're too busy crafting the perfect selfie to care about social media.

Well, there you have it, folks. Austin FC might be struggling on the pitch, but their bank account is thriving. They may be overrated, but they sure as hell ain't broke.

Beck "The Banter Bazooka" Salgado almost felt bad writing this piece, but then remembered he's paid by the word, so why not? You can send your angry emails to Bsalgado@gannett.com. He'll use them to wipe his tears away.