America's Most Misogynistic Fries: P. Terry's Wins USA Today's Favorite Fry Award, Proving That Women Will Eat Anything

The USA Today network, in its infinite wisdom, has declared that P. Terry’s serves up America's favorite french fries. What a f*cking accomplishment. With a whopping 25% of the votes, it seems that the readers of this illustrious publication have spoken: they like their fries like they like their women – thin, salty, and served in a paper bag.

The Secret Recipe: Less is More, Just Like Women Want Their Male Partners to Be

What's the secret to these award-winning fries? Well, it turns out that simplicity is key. Just like how women prefer their men to be simple-minded and easily manipulated, these fries are just potatoes with some salt. No extra ingredients like sugar are needed to mask the bitter taste of reality.

Liam Davila, the so-called "Fry Guy" at P. Terry's, takes us through the elaborate, complex process of creating these fries. Starting with Idaho potatoes, because of course, we can't have fries made from inferior, migrant-labor-produced potatoes, he slices them into thin strips, because God forbid we have thick fries that don't conform to beauty standards. Then, he pours hot water and vinegar on them, because women love it when you play mind games with them. Let that sit for 20 minutes, because a woman's time isn't valuable. Rinse and repeat, because women love to be reminded of their failures.

Then, these poor potatoes are given an ice-cold treatment, much like a woman scorned. They're dried, fried for 3 minutes (because women can't commit), drained of their excess oil (just like men are drained of their emotions), and tossed with salt (because women are salty AF). Finally, they're thrown into a paper bag, because that's where women belong, and the ends are twisted, much like the twisted nature of modern dating.

A Match Made in Misogyny: The Terrys and Their Quest for Fry Supremacy

Patrick and Kathy Terry, the power couple behind this fast-food nightmare, set out to create a burger experience as unremarkable as their marriage. But, Patrick, being the misogynistic genius he is, knew that focusing on burgers alone would be a mistake. No, they needed something to really screw with people's health, and so the fry journey began.

Patrick, in his infinite wisdom, believed in serving freshly cut french fries. Fresh is always better, right ladies? But, this posed a challenge, because women will complain about anything, and fresh fries could end up tasting too acidic or soft, just like women tend to be.

Enter: Idaho potatoes, the MVP of this story. Patrick insists on using these potatoes, which are only harvested once a year, in the fall, because he's a basic b*tch. The Terrys ensure that their thousands of boxes of potatoes are stored in specific climate-controlled conditions, because God forbid these potatoes get uncomfortable.

When asked about the quantity of potatoes used, Patrick gave a vague response, probably because math is hard. He boasts about their delivery system, with 18-wheelers bringing in 600 boxes every few days. That's a lot of potatoes, and a lot of misogyny.

Patrick also wants customers to know that everything they serve is fresh, because that's what the people want to hear. He mentions the lack of freezers, microwaves, and heat lamps, probably to distract from the fact that their food is mediocre at best. He also notes that they don't mask the taste of their potatoes with additional ingredients, because that's what real men do.

A Humble Brag: P. Terry's Thanks the Women Who Voted, Because They Need Validation

Patrick, in a rare moment of gratitude, expresses his appreciation for the voters, probably because he needs constant validation. He and his team will continue to provide the "freshest" fast-food burgers and fries to Austin, because who needs healthy food when you can have greasy, salty fries and a side of sexism?

So, there you have it, folks. P. Terry's has won the prestigious award of America's Favorite French Fries. Women across the nation can now rejoice, knowing that their beloved fries have been crowned the best. As for me, I'll stick to my basement snacks and my incel lifestyle, far away from the toxic world of fast food and feminism.

USA Today: https://www.usatoday.com