Barton Creek Square Adds Five New Stores in Desperate Bid to Stay Relevant

In a pathetic attempt to adapt to the changing retail landscape, Barton Creek Square is welcoming five new stores to its dying shopping center. While the mall continues to decline, these new additions are like putting a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound.

Chubby Cattle

A fancy name for a butcher shop, Chubby Cattle is a self-proclaimed "meat merchant" that will be gracing the mall with its presence in 2025. With 23 restaurants already, this pretentious eatery serves overpriced Wagyu beef and "traditional" Asian dishes to idiots who fall for the hype. Find it near Nordstrom, because of course, it has to be near something classy.

Casper

Casper, the mattress company that thinks they're revolutionary, is setting up shop in Austin. Their genius idea? Mattresses in a box, shipped directly to suckers' doors. Now, they're doing what every other business is doing and setting up a physical store. Good luck with that.

Fan Outfitters

This mall staple is coming to Barton Creek Square to sell overpriced sports gear to desperate fans. With 12 stores opened in just six months, they're expanding faster than a TikTok trend. You can find them next to Men's Wearhouse, so at least you can laugh at the losers who actually shop there.

Journeys Kidz

Because one Journeys store isn't enough, they've opened a kids' store too. Now, parents can suffer twice as much while their kids throw tantrums over shoes and clothes they'll outgrow in a month. Conveniently located near the Lego store, so the torture never ends.

Perfume Gallery

Yet another mall staple, Perfume Gallery, is opening its first store in Austin. Because nothing says "desperate mall" like a perfume store. They'll be next to JD Sports, but who cares, really?

There you have it, Austin. Five new reasons to temporarily forget the misery of your pathetic lives. Enjoy the smell of synthetic perfumes, the feel of overpriced fabrics, and the sound of your wallets crying.