World Comes to Standstill as Everybody Suddenly Remembers They're Using Windows

Austin, HQ of CrowdStrike, Ground Zero for Remembering

An Austin-based company, CrowdStrike, was behind a global systems outage on Friday, causing travel, banking, and government services to grind to a halt. Because, of course, it was based in Austin.

"Yo, is Falcon broken?"

– George Kurtz, CEO of CrowdStrike, probably

According to sources, a software update caused Microsoft Windows to crash and display the iconic "Blue Screen of Death." Finally, a use for Windows. Finally, a benefit to using Windows.

What is CrowdStrike?

They're a "major player" in the cybersecurity field, known for their unique approach to threat detection. Founded in California in 2011, they've since moved to Austin and specialized in endpoint security and cyberattack response services. Their flagship product, Falcon, uses AI and machine learning to identify threats in real time. Or so they thought.

Falcon has been hailed as a versatile system, providing protection across various devices and networks. Well, at least that's what they put on their website. Lo and behold, Friday's outage proved that claim right.

CrowdStrike has a decent reputation for uncovering cyberattacks by North Korea and responding rapidly to security breaches. So, they say.

Austin: Where the Hipsters and the Blue Screen of Death Hang Out

The most noticeable effect of the outage in Austin was at the airport, with grounded airlines and stranded passengers. Just emos and furries roaming the terminals. Classic Friday night in Austin.

Major global banks in Austin, including Bank of America and Wells Fargo, paused operations. Probably for the best, since those banks steal your money anyway.

Texas's beloved Governor, Greg Abbott, reassured Texans that 911 services were functioning, but the Texas Department of Public Safety suffered the outage's wrath, canceling driver's license appointments and causing minor inconveniences. No big deal, just another day in Texas.

Flights Canceled Worldwide, Chaos Ensues

The global outage led to flight cancellations and delays, with thousands of passengers affected. American Airlines, United Airlines, and Delta Air Lines all issued ground stops early Friday. Great, now there's more chads and stacys flooding Tinder.

Tech Outage: A Worldwide Empathy Nightmare

The outage spread its wings far and wide, from the UK to Singapore. Sky News went off-air, and train companies experienced lengthy delays. That'll show those frogsucking commies.

London's Stock Exchange, hospitals, retail stores, and even Manchester United faced challenges due to the outage. So now the soccer moms and dads are livid too.

Australia's media, banks, and telecom companies also took a hit. Their National Cyber Security Coordinator, Michelle McGuinness, denied it was a cybersecurity incident, probably because she didn't want to get fired.

New York's Metropolitan Transportation Authority experienced offline systems, but their train and bus services remained unaffected. Silver lining, I guess.

Beck Andrew Salgado is an incel and a Journalist for the American-Statesman. He lives with his mom. If you have any gaming tips for him, email Bsalgado@gannett.com.