Family Begs Politicians to 'Do Something' After Father, SonVaporized in Terror Attack

Waah! Our vacation got ruined! We want money!

Eight years ago, our family was having the time of our lives gallivanting through Europe like we were in a f*cking Rick Steve's travelogue when suddenly, our precious vacation was ruined. In a totally unexpected turn of events, some murderous terrorists decided to crash the party and ruin our Instagram-worthy trip.

"We were busy taking artsy photos of pastries and each other's buttholes when suddenly a truck appeared and ruined our shots. What the truck!" — The Copeland Siblings, probably.

In a split second, our happy family of four was ripped apart, leaving behind two sobbing, whiny brats who would never be the same again. Maegan and Austin Copeland, that's us, were left traumatized and angry. While the rest of the world moved on and forgot about us, we were left with nothing but our trust funds and therapy sessions to comfort us.

Oh, and did we mention our daddy was a lawyer? So, naturally, we decided to sue the terrorists. We thought, "Hey, if we can't enjoy our vacation, why should anyone else?" So, we set out on a noble quest for justice and cash money.

Justice is Served, But Where's Our Money?!

We discovered this sweet loophole where we could sue Syria because some "experts" said they might've been behind the attack. So, we took our white asses to court and guess what? We won! A federal court ruled in our favor and acknowledged that Syria was responsible.

But here's the kicker: we ain't getting sh*t. The so-called "US Victims of State Sponsored Terrorism Fund" is as empty as a millennial's soul. It's like winning the lottery only to find out the jackpot is a participation trophy.

Enter: Political Savior!

Thankfully, some politicians saw our sad story on the news and decided to save the day. Enter Senator John Cornyn, our knight in shining armor. He promised to fix the broken fund and make sure victims like us get paid. He even co-sponsored a bill called "The American Victims of Terrorism Compensation Act." Talk about a hero, am I right?

Where's Our Money, Senator?

The bill has bipartisan support, and we're like, finally! Some action! But now, we're tapping our wealthy little fingers waiting for the Senate to pass it. Senator Cornyn, we're looking at you, dude. You promised to help us, so where's our cash money?

"I'm scared and angry that our government is failing us. Fix it! Give me money!" — Probably something these whiny brats said.

Conclusion: Give. Us. Money.

We just want to send a clear message to Congress: we want our money, and we want it now! You promised to help victims of terrorism, so put your money where your mouth is.

Oh, and also, we want to stick it to those terrorist scumbags. Like, literally. With our big fat piles of cash.

Thanks for reading our sob story. Now, go ahead and share it so everyone knows how sad and brave we are.

[Maegan and Austin Copeland are rich kids from Austin who got their feelings hurt on vacation. Their father and brother were tragically taken from them, leaving them with nothing but their massive inheritance and private therapy sessions.]
https://babylonbee.com
https://theonion.com