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Big Tech Announces New Way to Waste Your Money

ESPN, Fox and Warner Bros. Discovery have concocted a new scheme to extort money from desperate sports fans with their new streaming service, Venu Sports, because God forbid you miss a second of sweaty millionaires chasing balls.

For the low, low price of $42.99 per month, you can stare at your screen for hours, watching overpaid athletes do nothing of consequence. But wait, there's more! After mercilessly gouging you for a year, they'll graciously allow you to cancel, but not before you've sacrificed your firstborn child to their greed.

"We know you're addicted to sports, so we're here to squeeze every last dollar from your pathetic life," said Venu Sports CEO Pete Distad, an Apple and Hulu reject. "Our service will ensure you never have a life again!"

But don't worry, you can bundle this useless service with other useless services like Disney+, Hulu, and Max, because why have money when you can throw it down the drain?

This fall, they'll bamboozle you with 14 live sports channels and on-demand programs, ensuring your eyes are glued to their content 24/7. That's right, say goodbye to your social life and hello to a dark, lonely existence!

With channels like ABC, ESPN, Fox, and more, you'll be brainwashed into thinking this is a good deal. But let's be real, it's just a money grab. They don't give a shit about you or your favorite sports.

And don't expect to see all the big games. Venu Sports is already missing key NFL broadcasts on CBS and NBC. So, you'll be paying for half a service, which is still too much.

"We know you dumb sheep will pay for anything. $43 a month for half-assed sports content? Sure, why not!" said some business idiot, probably.

The only ones winning here are the executives. So, if you have any sense left, run. Keep your money and your sanity. But let's face it, you're probably already reaching for your wallet. Losers.