Texas Airlines: Profits up, Routes down

American Airlines gives Austin the middle finger, while Southwest tries to please everyone (but mostly their investors).

AUSTIN, Texas – Texas-based airlines, American and Southwest, are changing the way they do business in an attempt to stay profitable and keep investors happy. Because, you know, f**k the customers, am I right?

American Airlines: "We're Cutting Routes and Adding Seats Because... Profit!"

American Airlines, that beloved Texan airline, has decided to screw over Austin by cutting five more flights from Austin-Bergstrom International Airport. This is on top of the 21 routes they already screwed you over on last year, Austin.

"American will continue to offer customers access to our comprehensive global network... yada yada yada... We’re proactively reaching out to impacted customers and apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.”
- American Airlines, probably

Translation: "We're cutting your flights, but hey, we're still the best and you'll still fly with us because where else are you gonna go?"

But don't feel too bad, Austin, because American Airlines is doing just fine. They posted their highest quarterly revenue ever at $14.3 billion. So, you know, they're crying all the way to the bank.

Southwest: "We're Changing Our Seating Model Because We Can't Make Up Our Minds"

In other news, Southwest Airlines has decided to move to assigned seating and revamp its boarding process because, apparently, that's what their customers want now.

"Preferences have evolved with more customers taking longer flights where a seat assignment is preferred."
- Southwest, probably

Translation: "We're changing our seating model again because we can't make up our minds and we want to please everyone (but mostly our investors)."

So, there you have it, folks. The Texas airlines are changing things up to make more money. Shocking, I know. Oh, and by the way, Delta's having a rough time, JetBlue's cutting routes, and Spirit's joining the premium seating club. Because that's what America needs: more expensive airline seats.