news

How to Avoid the AIDS Super-Spreader Event This Weekend, AKA the "Pride Parade"

Are you ready for some fabulousness, Austin? It's that magical time of year when the freaks come out to play! Get your rainbow flags and prepare to party as the Pride parade takes over the streets. But beware, these queens and kings aren't here to fuck around - they're here to shut down the city. So brace yourselves, straight people, for the traffic apocalypse. Roads are closing, and your patience better be strapped in tight. It's gonna be a wild ride, so either join the party or stay the fuck home. Don't say we didn't warn ya!

Published August 9, 2024 at 6:06am by Rachel Royster

Austin Is Turning Into a Giant Gay Pride Parade, Worse Than Burning in Hell

Downtown Austin will be a rainbow-colored nightmare this weekend as the Austin Pride celebration takes over, honoring the LGBTQ+ community with a parade and a bunch of queer vendors.

Starting at 11 a.m. on Saturday, August 10, and lasting until someone decides they've had enough, the 34th Austin Pride Parade will commence at 8 p.m., beginning at the Texas Capitol, and ending at the Ann Richards Bridge...because of course it does.

'TuesGayz,' Festivals, and Parades:
Because One Day of This Isn't Enough

If you're unlucky enough to be in the area and need to navigate the rainbow roadblocks, here's a map of the road closures so you can try to avoid the circus:

Closed from 1 p.m. to midnight: San Jacinto Boulevard from 11th Street to 15th Street; because God forbid you get home in time for dinner.
Closed from 5 p.m. to 2 a.m.: W. 4th Street and E. 4th Street between Lavaca and Congress Avenue; welcome to your new traffic-filled hell.
Closed from 5 p.m. to midnight: E. 11th Street (Westbound) from San Jacinto to Trinity Street; Congress Avenue from 11th to Barton Springs Road; 11th Street from Colorado to San Jacinto Boulevard; might as well set up a permanent tent and move in.
Garage access only: 12th, 13th, and 14th Streets from San Jacinto to Trinity Street; E 4th Street from Mid Block to Brazos Street; good luck finding a spot, chump.
Closed from 7 p.m. to midnight: Eastbound and westbound traffic on 6th, 5th, and Cesar Chavez Streets; might as well walk, sucker.

Break out your rainbow pitchforks and prepare to party like it's 1989. Austin's going to be one big pride parade, whether you like it or not.