Scammers Craftier Than Ever, Austin Energy Cucks Hand Out Tips Like Grandma's Knitting Patterns.

Austin Residents Warn of Scammers, Forget They Live in a City Full of Liars and Thieves

Austin, Texas - Austin Energy officials are warning residents of an influx of scammers trying to grift personal and financial information, because God forbid anyone in this town make an honest living.

The utility company, between bong rips and avocado toast bites, noticed a Reddit post (link: https://x.com/austinenergy?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwcr%5Eextra& using that precious data they leeched off you), alerting them to the uptick in con artists. Apparently, Reddit is for more than just cat memes and white male-shaming.

Jennifer Floyd, director of customer care services for Austin Energy, stated that scammers have always been an issue, like her teenage acne problem that just won't go away. But now, these fraudsters are getting creative, probably inspired by the city's arts scene that they can't afford to be a part of.

“These scammers are getting more sophisticated,”
She said, taking a brief break from her daily Netflix binge.

This year, Austin Energy has received reports of 204 crank calls, which is almost as many times as your ex called you after you ghosted her. Unsuspecting customers have paid over $13,000 in fake bills to these scammers, because apparently, critical thinking isn't taught in this city's schools.

Fraudsters Are Here to Serve You

According to Floyd, these digital swindlers are taking the back door (something she knows a thing or two about) through the dark web to collect personal information, like that secret NSFW fanfic you've been writing.

“They're personalizing their experience with the customer for nefarious reasons."

So, the next time you get a call, they might just call you by your stripper name, "Chardonnay."

In the latest scam, callers pretend to be Austin Energy employees, claiming your payment didn't go through. They then direct you to an external site, Remitly (not to be confused with Tinder, another money-sucking app), to repay your bill.

How to Spot a Scammer (Besides Their Hipster Glasses and Man Bun)

Austin Energy advises customers to smell the bullshit and report suspicious calls by dialing 311. They are a part of Utilities United Against Scams, a group of companies that fight fraud, or so they claim.

They can shut down 1-800 numbers used by scammers if enough soy latte-sipping liberals report them.

Red Flags That Your Caller Is a Scammer:

• They ask for your financial information, which you should never give out, unless it's to buy those limited-edition sneakers you've been eyeing.
• They demand immediate payment, like that Bitcoin investment that all your crypto bros keep telling you about.
• They threaten to disconnect your utility, leaving you to shower in the gross, communal gym showers.

Scammers: The Modern-Day Robin Hood, Stealing From the Rich to Buy Crypto

Floyd connects the increase in scam calls to the recent high temperatures, or maybe it's all the hot air from the politicians in this town. A similar spike occurs during the coldest winter months, when you're too busy crying into your craft beer because the Cowboys lost again.

“That’s when customers need their utilities the most. They need air or heat, and the scammers know that, and they'll have customers in a position of desperation.”

There's little that can be done to catch these crooks, who could be your mom's new boyfriend or that barista you've been eyeing. They could be anywhere, like your chances of finding love are slim to none.

If You've Been Scammed, You Deserve It

If you fall for one of these scams and give out financial information, Floyd suggests you contact your bank or credit card company to beg for reimbursement.

Once your money is gone, Austin Energy won't give a shit, but they might offer you a payment extension so you can keep living in that tiny overpriced apartment you call home.