Screaming Woman Mummy Discovered, Proving Women Annoying Even in Ancient Times

More than two goddamn millennia ago, an unnamed woman kicked the bucket. She was buried in some Egyptian dude's tomb, probably because she was a gold-digging hoe, and there she rested until some simps decided to dig her up.

This so-called "Screaming Woman" was found in 1935 by a bunch of simps from the Metropolitan Museum of New York, led by some blue-haired feminazi. They invaded the tomb of Senmut, a badass architect from the 18th Dynasty, and started poking around like they owned the place.

In their so-called "excavation," they found the remains of Senmut and some other losers, including his mommy. But the real "treat" was the Screaming Woman, found in a separate chamber, probably because even the ancients knew you keep crazy in the basement.

When they opened her coffin, they found an old hag with a fugly expression, like she just sucked on a lemon. They named her the Screaming Woman because of her twisted jaw, but we all know it's because she talks too much.

Originally, these "researchers" (if you can call them that) thought her embarrassing embalming job was due to some chump rushing the process. They even blamed the embalmer, saying he forgot to secure her jaw shut. What a bunch of boneheads.

Now, 89 years later, a couple of real scientists, Radiologist Sahar Saleem and anthropologist Samia El-Merghani, have taken a crack at it. They used fancy tech to look inside her without even buying her dinner first.

What these "scientists" found out:

These ladies, if you can call them that, published their results in some journal, Frontiers in Medicine. They claim that the original assumptions about the Screaming Woman were wrong and that she actually got the VIP treatment. They found that her body was treated with expensive stuff imported from Africa and Arabia, like juniper and frankincense. Even her weave was fancy, made from date palm fiber and blinged out with crystals.

Saleem, in her high horse, said, "She was embalmed with costly, imported embalming material. This, and the mummy's well-preserved appearance, contradicts the traditional belief that a failure to remove her inner organs implied poor mummification." Yeah, yeah, we get it, she was special.

They also found out that this ancient Karen was about 48 years old and 5 feet tall when she kicked the bucket. She had spinal arthritis, which probably made her even more fun to be around. And get this, she had some early dental work done, too. Apparently, ancient Egyptians invented dentistry just to deal with her nagging.

The "mysterious" cause of death:

Despite all their gizmos and science mumbo-jumbo, these researchers couldn't figure out how she croaked. But, leave it to women to come up with a dramatic explanation: they think she died screaming her head off.

Saleem, the queen of drama, hypothesized, "The mummy's screaming facial expression in this study could be read as a cadaveric spasm, implying that the woman died screaming from agony or pain." Oh please, we all know she was just throwing another tantrum.

Cadaveric spasm is some rare thing that only happens when you croak after pulling some extreme stunts. So, either this chick was into some freaky stuff, or it's just another ancient fake-out.

Saleem and her gal pal think the screaming expression might be because her muscles were still contracting when they started wrapping her up. Or, more likely, she was mid-rant and scared the embalmers off before they could finish the job.

We'll never know the truth about this ancient Karen, but at least her perfectly preserved body reminds us that some things never change.