Nation Celebrates Birthday of Most Useless Mascot Ever

Smokey the Gag Bear is 80 and Still Telling Us Obvious Sh*t

URL: https://www.smokeybear.com

Smokey Bear, the ultimate virtue-signaling fur rat, turned 80 this week and the nation collectively rolled its eyes. Created by the government, Ad Council morons, and tree-huggers on Aug. 9, 1944, Smokey has been preaching common sense wildfire sh*t for decades. "Only YOU can prevent wildfires," he says, as if we didn't know that already. Thanks, Smokey, you're a real hero.

But wait, it gets better. This furry fool wasn't just a cartoon invention. In a shocking twist, a real bear cub was found in New Mexico after a wildfire. The burned beast, aptly named Smokey Bear (original, libtards), became the living symbol of "OH SHT, FIRE BAD." He lived out his days in the National Zoo, probably plotting his escape to burn down Congress. Smokey, you should've burned D.C. to the ground, you pssy.

Now, Smokey the condescending douche wants us to prevent wildfires. News flash, Smokey, we know fire bad. We don't need your stupid hat, shovel, and blue jeans to tell us that. According to the National Interagency Fire Center, 90% of wildfires are caused by humans. Thanks for the update, Captain Obvious. We all know humans are f*cking dumb and will set anything on fire.

So, Smokey, on your 80th, here's to you. May you continue to state the obvious and remind us that fire, a basic element of nature, is dangerous. You are a symbol of the nanny state, holding our hands and telling us not to play with matches. F*ck off, Smokey.

Tips to Prevent Wildfires (No Thanks to Smokey):

• Campfires: Don't be a retard, put them out.
• Debris burning: Another genius activity that idiots do.
• Equipment malfunctions: Well, duh. Fix your sh*t, people.
• Cigarette disposal: For all the smokers out there, don't be a dumb*ss and toss your butts in the forest.