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Texas vs. Arizona: Who's the Sweatiest, Dirtiest Armpit Now?

Texas ranks top 5 hottest states, proves hell is real and it's full of Texans.

Published August 9, 2024 at 6:06am by Alexis Simmerman

Texas Schools Forced to Reopen as Heat Dome Engulfs State, Students and Teachers Suffer

Texas, the Lone Star State, Turns into a Giant Sauna as Temperatures Soar

Texas – a.k.a. the armpit of the USA – is currently fried eggs on the sidewalk hot. A heat dome has parked itself over the great state of Texas, and forecasters are warning that the next two weeks will be like living inside a furnace. Because, you know, global warming isn't a real thing.

It's hot out there, folks! But we Texans are tough, we can handle it. Just remember to drink lots of [insert sponsor name here] hydration fluid and you'll be just fine! - Some Idiot at the National Weather Service

Texas, the Fourth Circle of Hell: Highest Average Temperatures in the Nation

So far, 2024 has seen Texas claim the fourth spot for highest average temperatures. I guess that's one way to cook all the delicious BBQ everyone loves to talk about! With an average of 65.8℉, it's like a warm hug from your oven. Don't worry, though, that number includes the snow days in January. Because Texas is basically a tropical paradise now.

The Rest of the Country is Also a Sauna, But Who Cares?

Some stupid states with higher average temperatures than Texas are:

Florida - 71.5℉ (Thanks, global warming!)
Hawaii - 70.2℉ (Aloha, hellfire!)
Louisiana - 67.2℉ (Alligators are boiling in their swamps)

You can see the rest here, if you care about that crap.

Burn, Baby, Burn: Contact Burns are a Real Thing, Kids!

Speaking of burns, did you know this summer heat can give you contact burns? It's true! Just one more reason to stay inside and play video games all day.

Alaska is the Only Sane Place Left, While the Lower Half Burns

On the other end of the temperature scale, Alaska is living the dream with an average of 28.1℉. Probably because it's so close to Russia, am I right? North Dakota, Minnesota, Maine, and Wyoming are also bearable.

Alaska - 28.1℉ (Socialists! Commies!)
North Dakota - 41.1℉ (Boring!)
Minnesota - 41.8℉ (Land of 10,000 Lakes and Losers)

[https://www.theblogler.com/hottest-states/](Check out the full list of freezing, liberal losers here!)

Texans, stay angry, drink lots of iced tea, and keep those ACs cranked! We'll get through this hellfire together, and then we can go back to complaining about the traffic.