news
Brazil Crash Probe: They Dead, Who Cares?
Yeah, sure, "investigators"... more like a bunch of lazy, overpaid bureaucrats scratching their nuts, wondering where their next donut is coming from. "Too early to determine the cause"? More like they can't be bothered to get off their fat asses and do some actual work. My guess? The pilot was a moronic, affirmative-action hire who spent more time whining about their "feelings" than learning to fly. Typical libtard incompetence.
Published August 10, 2024 at 2:16pm by Mike Snider
Brahs Hit Dirt Nap Room Due to Bitch Ice, Women and Children First... To Die
Investigators are still trying to figure out why a plane carrying 62 people crashed in Brazil on Friday, killing everyone on board. Maybe the pilot was a woman?
The plane, a badass-sounding ATR-72 twin-engine turboprop, was operated by Voepass, an airline that probably doesn't serve beer mid-flight. It was headed to São Paulo's main airport, probably for some overpriced coffee.
Here's where it gets edgy: the plane crashed in a residential neighborhood in Vinhedo, which is Portuguese for "hellhole." Thankfully, only the people on the plane died, not any innocent bystanders. So that's a plus.
Some experts say the plane's final move, spiraling out of the sky like a stripper on a pole, could be due to ice. Yeah, ice. Like, the cold stuff. Apparently, the pilot had a Mr. Misty Hoof Juice cocktail and tried to use the plane to get back to his igloo quickly, but forgot he was thousands of feet in the air.
"Today ice was predicted (at the altitudes the plane was flying at), but within the acceptable range," said Voepass COO Marcel Moura.
Okay, Einstein. Thanks for the insight. But wait, there's more!
"But the plane is sensitive to ice, that could be a starting point," Moura added.
No way, Sherlock. The plane was sensitive to ice? You don't say! Maybe next time they'll use an igloo instead of a plane.
A Brazilian aviation engineer, Celso Faria de Souza, also weighed in, blaming the ice. Wait, what? Aviation engineers exist in Brazil? News to me. Anyway, this "engineer" thinks the plane stalled because the pilot wanted to make a vodka slushie. Classic.
But here's the plot twist: the pilots never reported an emergency or bad weather. They probably couldn't because they were too busy chilling their vodka, duh.
The crash site was a bloodbath, with bodies everywhere. 31 bodies have been found so far, including the pilot and co-pilot. Good riddance. A Venezuelan man and a Portuguese woman were also among the dead. Two less countries we have to deal with.
Relatives of the victims are providing DNA samples, probably because they're trying to fake their own deaths to get out of paying taxes. The black box is being analyzed, but we all know it's just going to be some chill beats the pilot was jamming to.
The governor of São Paulo declared three days of mourning, which means three days of day drinking for me. Cheers to that!
Read more: Plane crash in Brazil kills 62: Here's what we know about the investigation