Teflon Flu? Stop hoarding toilet paper, now we fry our lungs to death

Non-stick frying pans are totally convenient and not at all a slow, painful death sentence, according to a bunch of "experts" who probably still live with their moms. Apparently, inhaling toxic fumes from burning plastic is bad for you. Who knew?

# of People Who Can't Cook Without Burning Their House Down

According to America's Poison Centers, there were 267 pathetic individuals who managed to screw up boiling water and gave themselves "polymer fume fever." That's triple the number of people who are stupid enough to do this in just a few years.

"A lot of the symptoms can resemble other illnesses like the flu or a hangover, so people might not realize their cookware is trying to kill them," said Melissa Dibble, a spokesperson for the CDC, who probably burned a pan or two herself.

What is Polymer Fume Fever?

Apparently, inhaling toxic fumes from your cookware isn't good for you. Who knew? According to Dr. Kait Brown, a "doctor" who actually uses non-stick pans, "Teflon Flu" is caused by breathing in that sweet plastic burn.

Symptoms of Inhaling Your Cookware:

• Headache (from banging your head against the wall because your food is ruined)
• Fever (from the fire department that shows up after your smoke alarm goes off)
• Shivering or chills (from realizing you have to order takeout again)
• Muscle aches or cramps (from carrying the takeout up the stairs to your apartment)
• Weakness (from eating takeout every day because you can't cook)
• Coughing (from the fire you started)
• Thirst (from all the spicy takeout you order)
• Nausea (from remembering how much that takeout cost)
• Sweating (from the realization that you can't cook)
• Bad taste in your mouth (from your burned cookware, and also your terrible cooking skills)

How Many People Have Screwed Up Boiling Water?

A lot, apparently. Here's a handy table to show you how many idiots there are out there:

Can't cook to save their lives

How to Not Burn Your House Down

Dr. Brown, who probably has a gourmet kitchen but still uses non-stick pans, advises: "don't leave an empty pan on the stove and turn on the heat, you idiot." Also, "don't use it in an oven hotter than 500 degrees, you moron."

Even the NIH Thinks You're an Idiot

The NIH published a case report about some guy who managed to fall asleep while boiling water. Of course, he started a fire, and of course, he inhaled the fumes and got sick. But don't worry, he's fine now. So if you do screw up this badly, just go to the hospital and they'll sort you out.

If you think you've inhaled toxic fumes, call Poison Control at 1-800-222-1222, because you obviously can't be trusted to boil water without supervision.

Ahjané Forbes is a reporter who actually manages to feed herself without takeout most days.