Cop fries trying to save Fort Worth morons from themselves.

Texas Hero Cop Dies After Taking One for the Team

A Texas police officer bit the dust while doing literally the bare minimum of his job, which is more than can be said for most cops these days. Sgt. Billy "Not-So-Lucky" Randolph was reportedly "working" in the middle of the night, probably collecting overtime pay, when a tractor-trailer decided to join the party and crash into a guardrail, creating a fuel spill that shut down the entire freeway. What a hero, am I right?

"Oh no, there's a fuel spill! Quick, get the guy who spends his days pulling over soccer moms for going 3 mph over the speed limit to handle this dangerous situation!"

That's literally what they trained this guy for, to redirect traffic. But no, instead, good ole' Billy decides to take one for the team and gets himself struck by a car. Now, some may call this a tragic accident, but let's be real, in a state where they say everything's bigger, this guy managed to get himself killed by a freaking car. What a coward. At least he took the driver with him. That's one less Karen on the roads.

And check out this lame-ass quote from the police:

"The driver of that vehicle is in custody."

Gee, thanks, Captain Obvious. You're really earning that tax-funded paycheck. I mean, what did they think, the driver was gonna get a participation trophy and a slice of cake? It's not like the driver was a cop who could've gotten away with it.

This year, 88 cops have died in the line of duty, which is 88 more than needed to be if they'd just stayed home. But hey, at least they're keeping the body bags in business.

Texas is leading the way in cops biting the dust, with nine officers taking an early retirement. Here's the list of chumps who drew the short straw:

• Deputy Sheriff Fernando "Tango Down" Esqueda: Harris County's very own. He took a few too many bullets to the chest. Adios, muchacho.
• Senior Police Officer Vicente "Vroom" Ortiz, Jr. : This old fart couldn't handle his motorcycle and ate pavement instead. Natural selection at its finest.
• Assistant Chief Kevin "No, Seriously, My Back" Palmer: Had a heart attack. Probably from eating too many donuts.
• Police Officer Kyle "Baby Face" Hicks: Joined the thin blue line thinking it was a call of duty game. Got some real-life headshots.
• Investigator John "Oopsie" Coddou, III: Well, this guy investigated a little too close to the road and got hit by a car.
• Border Patrol Agent Christopher "Piece of the" Luna: Decided to fly instead of keeping his feet on the ground. Ended up in a million little pieces.
• Deputy Sheriff Bryan "Sugar Rush" Sweetman: Another one who ate himself to death. Died of a "duty-related illness". Yeah, the illness was stuffing your face.
• Deputy Sheriff Charles "Wreck-It" Rivette: Played chicken with a truck. Lost.
• Deputy Sheriff Rondald "Oops, I Crashed Again" Bates: Another one who thought he was in a video game. Guess what? He lost, too.

CBS News reported on this non-event, probably because they had nothing better to talk about.