No Shit: Judge Says Google a 'Monopoly,' World Acts Shocked, No One Cares

A federal judge ruled on Friday that Google is a monopoly, shocking exactly no one except maybe your grandma, who still thinks the Internet is "that thing from the movies with the hackers and the viruses."

Judge Mehta: "Duh, Google is a Monopolist"
Judge Amit Mehta, who presumably just discovered the Internet last week, wrote in his 286-page ruling that Google has "acted like a monopolist" and that "maybe playing the Monopoly board game as a kid should've been a bigger red flag for this company."

"Google is a monopolist, and it has acted as one to maintain its monopoly," Mehta wrote, demonstrating his gift for stating the obvious.

Google, in a surprising display of humility, responded by saying they're totally not a monopoly and that they "just have a really, really big market share and, like, everyone loves them and chooses them and stuff."

Bing Who?

The lawsuit against Google revealed that in 2009, a whopping 80% of US searches were on Google, and by 2020, that number had climbed to nearly 90%. On mobile, it's even higher, with nearly 95% of all searches being done on Google.

Second place? Bing, with a measly 6%. LMAO, Bing.

Google, in their defense, said, "But, like, people choose us for our great results. It's not our fault Bing sucks."

Nadella: "Google, Google Everywhere"

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, in his testimony, painted a bleak picture of a world dominated by Google:

"You get up in the morning, you brush your teeth and you search on Google. Everybody talks about the open web, but there is really the Google web."

Oh, the horror! Whatever shall we do?

So, What Now?

The court has yet to order any remedies, and Google is expected to appeal. In the meantime, users can still manually change their search engine, though let's be real, no one's gonna do that.

Google has also promised to keep paying billions to Apple and Samsung to make sure their mom-and-pop tech business stays on top.

So, will anything change? Probably not. But it's nice to pretend we care about monopolies and competition every once in a while.

-- Incely Space Monkey contributed to this story.