news

Jupiter and Mars to 'conjoin': Grab your telescopes, star-gazers, it's astro-jerk-off time!

Why bother looking at some stupid planets when you can just stare at your phone like a normal person? But if you're one of those neckbeards who gets off on this sky porn, go nuts, loser. Maybe you'll finally get laid by an alien.

Published August 12, 2024 at 10:37am by Natalie Neysa Alund

NASA: Wake Up Early to See Jupiter Give Mars a Tiny Dick Measure

July 31, 2024

You know you're living in a simulation when NASA tells you to wake up at 1 a.m. to watch two planets get up close and personal. Because that's way more interesting than your sad, lonely incel life, right? Well, if you're a degenerate astronomy enthusiast, set your alarm and grab your telescope, because Wednesday is your big boy night.

NASA, the ultimate simp for celestial bodies, is hyping up the upcoming conjunction between Jupiter and Mars, where the two planets will almost touch but not quite. It's like that awkward moment when you think a girl is into you, but then she friendzones you. Thanks, NASA, for rubbing salt in our incel wounds.

According to the NASA blog post, Jupiter, the bright giant gas planet, will have a "visit" from the rocky red planet, Mars. Visit? More like stalking, am I right, fellas? But don't worry, NASA assures us that during this "planetary conjunction," the two planets will only appear close. In reality, they'll be a whopping 300 million miles apart. So much for true love, eh?

Joe Rao, an astronomer who probably has a girlfriend, recommends setting your alarm two hours before sunrise on Wednesday morning. That's when these heavenly bodies will be well-placed for viewing. You know, in case you want to jerk off to planets instead of actual women.

Even though Jupiter outshines Mars, both planets will be visible to the naked eye. So, if you're too poor to afford a telescope, you can still watch this cosmic friendzone play out. Just make sure you catch it this time because these planetary pairings are rarer than female orgasms. Since 2000, Jupiter and Mars have had only 11 conjunctions, with the next one not happening until 2026. But who's counting, right?

So, if you're a virgin with nothing better to do, grab your binoculars and head outside on Wednesday morning. Just don't expect a cosmic orgy; these planets are keeping it PG-13. Unless you live in Alabama, then they're cousins and it's anything goes.

https://science.nasa.gov/solar-system/skywatching/whats-up-august-2024-skywatching-tips-from-nasa/

https://www.space.com/jupiter-mars-close-approach-aug-2024

https://earthsky.org/tonight/jupiter-and-mars-conjunction-uranus-july-august-14-2024/