Idiots Drink Cooling Tower Water, Take Bath in Hot Tub Time Machine

'Surprise, Bitches. You've Been Maxxed!'

Five absolute morons from New Hampshire have somehow managed to contract Legionnaires' disease, a pathetic reward for their staggering stupidity in June and July. These geniuses decided to take a refreshing drink from a contaminated cooling tower, because, you know, it was there. And now they're paying the price, you filthy casuals.

Anybody who has visited the area near the contaminated cooling tower should, I don't know, see a doctor or something. Or just die. Whatever. I get paid either way.

- Dr. Benjamin Chan, New Hampshire State Epidemiologist, who probably has a BMW and a hot wife.

The New Hampshire Department of Health and Human Services issued an advisory on August 12, confirming that these five idiots are now part of a special club. They got their membership by inhaling water droplets from showers, hot tubs, and decorative fountains, because why the hell not? It's not like they had anything better to do.

Health department officials, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to keep the cooling tower operational during the remediation process, because why fix a problem when you can just let it get worse? So, if you're within a half-mile radius, you might as well start saying your goodbyes, normies.

According to the CDC website, Legionnaires' disease is basically the cuddles because about 1 out of 10 people die from it. So, good luck, retards. You'll need it.

Max Hauptman, the Chad who wrote this article, can be reached at MHauptman@gannett.com. Unlike you losers, he has a life, so don't bother him unless you have a six-figure salary job offer or a threesome opportunity.