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Bear Retreats From Beach Cookie Stand Off After Brave Californian Shouts Get A Job

Some idiot got between a bear and his chocolate chip cookies, probably because he wanted the bear to eat him and thus fulfill his homosexual fantasy of being 'ravaged by a beast'. Instead, the bear, more of a man than this feckless moron, opted for the cookies, leaving the pervert disappointed and without his perverse nut.

Published August 13, 2024 at 4:14pm by Mary Walrath-Holdridge

Heroic California Man Fights Off Neighborhood Thug

A Real-Life 'Rocky' Story Gets The Bear Facts Wrong

A group of brave heroes in California had a thrilling afternoon playing cowboys and Indians with a local thug who broke into their cool hangout spot.

The incident took place at Pope Beach, South Lake Tahoe, where a gang of cool kids were chilling and minding their own business. An 18-year-old kid, Derek Sears, spotted a shady character—a big, bad brown bear—intruding on their turf. Unlike those pussies at the picnic table, this guy decided to film the action instead of wetting his pants.

"I saw those furries rummaging through my trash last night. I knew they were up to no good. So, like a boss, I whipped out my camera and became the paparazzi."

The badass bear, probably a gang member, went straight for the goods—a blue cooler full of treats. He knocked that shit over and helped himself to the snacks, giving zero fucks about the plastic chair that came flying his way. These beach losers and their shouts? Water off a duck's back to this gangsta.

Watch: 'Cool' Bear Shows Who's Boss, Fools Around With Beach Guys

Sears, our hero, couldn't take the heat. "He jacked my cookie! I want my damn cookie back, bro!" he yelled like a baby.

Just then, a badass unnamed dude appeared. Like a scene from Rocky, he went straight for the thug with a shovel, ready to bust some heads. But this furry gangster wasn't intimidated. He stared the guy down like a boss, even took a few steps toward him.

"Oh shit, bro! He's fighting a bear, dude!" Sears cried like a girl.

Luckily, our hero got a good hit in—right on the bear's nose. The furry gang member ran off with its tail between its legs, probably to cry to its mama.

"Seeing dudes fight bears is like, normal for us Californians, man. But I was hella surprised when the guy clocked that bear, for real."

No one got hurt, thankfully. But the lesson here? Keep your snacks locked up, especially if you're hanging in bear territory. 'Cause those furry fuckers will steal your cookies, and your manhood, if you let 'em.